Now that you’ve seen a small sample of what I have to offer (if you haven’t read it yet, check out my first post here but Toby’s post first) I find it compelling to write about myself, or more specifically, our relationship (and if you’re wondering why I’m writing about me, read the damn bio, it’s there for a reason). Now you might be thinking “but it’s so soon!” or “I’m not even sure I’m ready to get serious with this random but complicated self-proclaimed funnyman!” Good. If you have an ounce of sense or wit then you should be skeptical. “Who is this guy?” and “what does he have to offer?” are both completely valid questions that you should be asking yourself. Don’t worry, you can do it now if you haven’t already. I won’t tell.
So why did I want to have this conversation with you? The primary reason is that it’s only fair that we both know where this is going from the get. I don’t want to deceive you or lead you on. Now we’ve all been in that situation, either as the leader on-er or the leadee on-ee (I’m still working on the terminology, roll with it) and it generally doesn’t end the way either party wanted it too. I don’t want to make you think that I have feelings that I don’t or think things that I’ve never thought. I don’t eventually want to have to be disingenuous, saying things I don’t mean only to placate your controlling and insecure ways, guzzling booze and indulging on cheap hookers to try to fill the void left by our empty, insincere, and parasitic relationship. I just don’t want to do that, not for me and not for you. This analogy might sound really serious and overdone but believe you me, things can spiral out of control quicker than an Oklahoman tornado.
If you just gasped, shook your head, and closed this window then you probably haven’t read this sentence. If you said “too soon” with a disapproving look then I’m not sure we’ll get along. It’s not you, it’s me. There it is, with that one highly clichéd sentence I’ve effectively taken all responsibility so you don’t have to blame yourself for having a shitty sense of humor. But that’s the thing, it’s not about the subject, it’s about the joke. Humor can be derived from anything, it’s just a matter of if you’re able to detach yourself enough to appreciate the natural ironies and absurdities that occur throughout life. Everything might be crazy and bad things happen all the time, but that doesn’t mean we can’t appreciate them for what they are in our day-to-day life-plots and re-purpose them for a more pleasant viewing experience. Anyway, that one was just a small (and rather tame) sample of who I am and the jokes I sometimes make.
And in all honesty, I don’t know where this is going but what I do know is where I’m liable to go, and that some of you may not like it. You might observe words on your screen in different combinations that you never thought you’d see, not simply because they’re unplagiarized but also because you might wonder how someone could think that. It might get ugly, you might get upset, and in the end you might decide we were never right for each other. There’s nothing wrong with that though, which is why I thought it only fair to inform you of this from the beginning.
At this point you have a choice, a red-pill/blue-pill moment if you will (two Matrix references in two posts? I already need new material). Right now some of you might be thinking of me as the over-attached blogger (I’m just being proactive, damn it), or a self-important, ostentatious prick (not necessarily wrong), or maybe you’re seething with some intense, ineffable rage over something completely unrelated but the point that I’m trying to make is that you should always be thinking and/or feeling something, and if you’re not you’re doing something wrong. Or maybe I am; perhaps my words don’t grab you or invoke the kind of impassioned response I might prefer. That’s why I’m just letting you know now that we may never be able to repair that disconnect.
At the end of the day, regardless of how long you decide to join me on this little internet quest of texts arranged in a way to attempt to make you laugh, at least I’ll be able to say I was honest with you from the start. If you got this far and plan on giving this whole thing a shot then I thank you and look forward to working together. I promise next time it won’t be so me or “us” heavy, this whole thing just needed to be dealt with before it was too late. Good talk, now go do something with your day if you haven’t already.