As you should probably already know, I spent the past few days in Washington D.C. seeing some great things and rich history (but you can read my take on D.C. segway tours here. There’s one particular fellow we met whose message I’d like to talk to you about. This guy:
Apparently his name is Mr. Phillip and we found him sitting outside the White House, holding this sign. His message, in case you can’t read it, is that he wants all women to know that he cannot maintain his erection and never could. He also politely asked if this message can be passed on, in the hopes that one day every woman will know that he cannot, and never could, maintain an erection.
I decided then that I would do what I can to try to pass on Mr. Phillip’s message by including him in one of my posts, with the hope that at least a few female readers still follow my writing. Why would I do this? For one it’s probably one of the funnier things I’ve seen written on a poster, he wasn’t asking for money (adds to the legitimacy), and I can truly appreciate his honesty about a malady that few would admit to, let alone display on a poster in front of the fucking White House. Toby also seems oddly focused on sex and gender (something you want to talk about?) so I figured why not beat her dead bison. These reasons make it a great segue (shit) to talk about maintaining penile health so that you can avoid Mr. Phillip’s dismal fate.
According to Dr. J. Stephen Jones, your penis should be thought of as a peninsula to the body since it shares the same blood, nutrients, and other biological crap (and notice how that word is an “n” away from becoming a penisula, which actually sounds like a great word. I’m using it). He claims that maintaining penis health now can prevent you from ever having to take a little boner pill. Lets face it though, you’re American so you’re never going to do anything to prevent damage or sickness. You’ll just react when your penis is broken, like everything else. It’s not a problem ’til it’s a problem, amIrite?
If you are one of the few proactive dudes out there then you should know that there are a bunch of reasons to maintain penis health besides being able to go to bone town. I’m not going to list them, so take my word on it. But seriously, sex should be enough of a reason. The article I found, which you can read here lists a bunch of ways to get better penis health and bigger erections. For example, eat blackberry jam because berries are good for you and shit; smoke fish sticks instead of cigarettes; become more of a pussy by getting in tune with your senses; lose weight to lose estrogen; do kegel exercises- I’ll admit that I skimmed the article but now that I’ve written it out most of this (besides the whole senses thing) seems like shit you should already do. Weird how that works- don’t be a fat unhealthy slob and your body works how it should. Go figure.
Now that you’ve read this you’re an expert in how to maintain erections until long after your balls have shriveled and your seed has dried up. I’ve given you the tools to never end up like Mr. Phillip. Although I respect his honesty and was willing to spread the message let’s face it, no one wants to end up like that. His body won’t even have sex with himself, which is a tragedy I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Go forth, eat jam or a fish stick, and marvel at your ability to maintain a tree trunk of pleasure in your pants for years to come.