For those of you just tuning in, I currently live in the boondocks of South Dakota. Population: 7. Out of those seven people, none of them are outlets to release my flirting energy. Yes, it’s a real thing. I haven’t flirted with anyone in over a month and my subconscious is compensating for it in my dreams. After watching the new season of Arrested Development for too many hours, Jason Bateman was my first victim. There was a lot of eye contact.
In lieu of actual flirting, I’m going to write some hints guys can look for while talking to a girl to determine if she’s interested. This way someone will be ready and well informed when I get back. And I’ll work my magic. Or do what I usually do, which is giggle, smile and then say nothing. Works 60% of the time every time. When in Rome. It smells like big foot’s dick! Sorry, no more Anchorman quotes. On to signs a woman is flirting with you! (Cough, Gino pay attention, cough)
Typical Example: You walk into a bar. Duck. And continue to your bar stool. You order a drink, appletini. Wait, let’s try that again. You order a drink, Corona with lime. Yeah, beer is manly and the lime says you’re fun. Good thinking. An attractive woman sits in the stool next to you. You glance over, size her up. Doable…literally. She quickly looks at you, blushes, hides a smile. Those are signals, gentlemen. Here are more:
Eye contact: Super important. If she is intently staring at you, she wants the d. Keyword: intently. Eye contact alone during conversation doesn’t mean she’s imagining you naked, well, okay, shirtless. Not sure naked is the go-to image. It’s on you to decipher between friendly and flirting. Bubbly, happy eyes – she’s on the fence. Squinting to try and look sexy – eye fucking. Go for it. Bubbly happy eyes are a good sign though. In my experience it’s been termed “googling”. I give credit to a jealous girlfriend who apparently caught me looking in her boyfriend’s general direction. My b biatch. You see a seductive twinkle beneath those lashes, that’s you’re cue to proceed.
Touching: Eye contact plus touching is usually a no brainer. She’s working her moves. At this point, she’s finding ways to feel yo’ body without being obvious. A light caress of your arm, a playful punch on your shoulder, perhaps a gentle squeeze of your bicep combined with a cute squeal that indicates she’s a fan of the gun show. It’ll start small, slowly escalating if you’re a unresponsive. Don’t expect a crotch grab or anything, but you should probably give her a heads up you’re on the same page.
Teasing: I’ve attracted a few guys by means of sarcasm or giving them a hard time. It’s a gift. If you sense the banter, be open to it and defend yourselves with wit and humor. She’s just being playful. However, if she’s actually being mean then figuratively rip her a new one so she stops being a bitch. No one likes mean bitches. Unless you’re into that. It’s your funeral.
Laughing: Guys, even if you’re not on your game and you have this chick literally ROFL, she’s into you. Listen for laughter and look for smiling. Hint: If her smile reaches her eyes, she’s actually happy. If she’s faking that real of a smile, sign her up with an agent! That girl’s gonna be a star! We know how it important it is for a guy to be funny. You need that validation. We want to make you feel good about yourselves (initially…this gets old, people). That’s why we laugh – to give you the impression you’re funny. Alcohol helps too. Eventually, she’ll find out if you’re actually funny. Fingers crossed you’ve got other redeeming qualities!
Verbal validation: As a last resort, if none of her previous attempts are hitting your g-spot (did I use that correctly) AND she really, really wants you, she’s going to move on to more outrageous signals. If she offers a boob grab, presents her puppies, sucks your finger (which is actually gross to do at a bar, have some dignity) or literally says “I want to have sex”, perk up and respond! Not all girls that flirt are in it for sex, but this particular girl in the story has had a very long dry spell and is realizing her eggs aren’t going to fertilize themselves. Guys, if you don’t want her at this point, walk away. She’s endured enough embarrassment. She sucked your finger for God’s sake!
Footnotes: Subtle hints to look for – Hair twirling (also a sign of being nervous or uncomfortable…way to go, pal), lip biting (thank you 50 Shades of Grey), eye crossing (she’s got a fun side too!), calf rubbing (meeowww) and of course, winking (make sure she’s not just a weird blinker).
Hope these hints help you find love this summer! Or at least a summer fling. Maybe even a one night stand? Sunday brunch buddy?
Good luck in the dating world!