If you’ve been keeping up with this blog then you’re probably the type of person who also keeps up with other social media, whether your medium of choice is the Facebook (read Toby’s love/hate relationship with that here), Twitter, or whatever tickles your social pickle. You might be one of those people who are always on the cutting edge, quick to find the latest app that allows you to do the same shit that all of the old apps do (but I swear, this one is sooo much better, you just, like, have to download this one!). I’m not one of those people, and in fact I might find you irksome if you are. One app I recently got roped into is Snapchat, which I’m sure you’ve heard about and maybe already use. If you’re one of the unaware, as I was a few days ago, Snapchat allows you to send pictures and videos to friends but only allows the receiver to view them for a certain number of seconds (designated by the sender). Once the time expires the picture is unviewable forever (allegedly) and the kicker is if you screenshot the pic the sender gets notified somehow. I’ll be honest, I’m a little wary of all of this new crap but I figured I’d give this one a shot for one reason: I was promised that this app was the best for sending and receiving nudies, and in fact seems to have been designed with that purpose in mind, given the expiration all of the pictures have.
Needless to say I have yet to receive any nudies. Now usually the best way to receive is to give first, creating the subconscious obligation of future payback stemming from the current state of indebtedness. This is one of those situations where this line of thinking probably doesn’t apply. Sure, I could shower, manicure, and manscape the appropriate areas and probably take a fairly artsy and appealing nude photograph. The problem with that statement is that it’s complete bullshit. The bottom line is dudes are gross, and almost nobody really wants to see some naked dude in action. Even if I was 30 pounds lighter, had 65 percent of my current body hair and was somehow able to hire that creep Terry Richardson to get the perfect shot of the moonlight glistening off of my full moon , it’s just not something anyone wants to see, especially females. So I very quickly decided that this probably wasn’t the best course of action.
So what brilliant strategy have I adopted you might ask? Unfortunately there is none. My big idea was photographic parity, and my sources have already told me that unsolicited dick picks are not only frowned upon, but could have me end up in the can. Bright side is that I’m sure they’d be appreciated there, but the “look, don’t touch” rule is hard to enforce when Bubba is staring down at you, licking his handlebar mustache fervently. Anyway I decided that the best method for me, and all dudes, is to just participate. Sure, you’ll be inundated with pictures of chick’s animals doing dumb shit, half eaten paninis, and the occasional “look how deep I am” photo but maybe, just maybe, you’ll get the mistake pic, the pic that wasn’t supposed to go to you but you received out of some benevolent deity’s horny intervention. In actuality all it takes is a convenient slip of a finger to give you that 7-9 seconds of nude validation you needed to make downloading another crap app all worth it.
Look dudes, it’s a double standard but it’s the world we live in. We want to see naked chicks but they don’t want to see us. That’s why I call on the few girls who are reading this to do the right thing and reward your patient male friends with the occasional nudie. You can pretend it was a mistake and that it was never supposed to happen. We don’t care, we can go with that if it makes you feel better. It’s not like we’ll even be able to view it again, unless we invest in another phone just to take pictures of our screens. But who would do that? Cameras are cheaper anyway. The moral of this story: just do the right thing.
P.s. my username is c0oreman if anyone has any fingers that feel like slipping.