Bringing Attention to Wounded Soldiers

It’s Fourth of July weekend so if you’re a normal person you’ve probably already consumed a fair amount of alcohol. This post is to draw attention to an important issue that’s plagued every gracious host after a day full of party-driven alcohol consumption: the wounded soldier.

So you just hosted a kick-ass rager or perhaps a small get together with a few mildly interesting cats and you’ve finally woken up the next day with crusty eyes, a mild headache and the nauseating feeling of impending beer shits so what do you decide to do? Start cleaning some of the impossible mess from parties of nights past. You grab the biggest black garbage bag you can find and reach for the first can. It’s sticky and smelly but clearly empty so you throw it in the bag. You throw out three, four, five more cans before it happens.

As you reach for this next beverage you can sense that something’s about to go terribly wrong. Your world is about to be shattered and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it. You grab it and feel the warm slosh of beer assault your fingers through the aluminum of the can, resulting in an immediate escalation of that headache to full-fledged jackhammer status as well as the untimely release of the simmering beer shit you’ve been harboring with the same enthusiasm as Moscow’s had while harboring Ed Snowden. You’ve encountered the wounded soldier in the wild, and worse yet now there’s poop on your floor.

If you haven’t picked up by now wounded soldiers are the half full beer cans or cups that have inevitably been left behind by carefree pussy-partiers the night or month before. The bane of a gracious hosts existence, they’re especially infuriating given the fact that beer costs money and more importantly, those half-loved beers are ones that can no longer be consumed for the purpose of partying, which is a true tragedy.

If you tend to party with the same people you probably know who the repeat offenders are and have already begun devising your plan on how to take them out secretly but even if you host a bunch of randos you’re bound to stumble upon at least a few of these clean-up killers.

If you don’t know who keeps leaving half-full beers scattered around a party then it’s probably you, so knock that shit off. Oh and don’t do this shit when you’re drinking liquor. Especially liquor, and super especially if it’s expensive. Don’t be that guy who makes himself a second captain and coke that’s half captain if you’re going to abandon it the second you get on the pong table or food is made, only for it to be found hours later in a warm, diluted, and near undrinkable state. Oh and don’t have your friends’ expensive alcohol if you know you don’t like it. The pain of being made fun of for being a pansy is far less than the wrath you’ll face for wasting good shit.

At this point you’ve probably been to barbecue and shindig a many so it may be too late for now but I urge you to be more mindful of your wasteful habits going forward. Not only are you hurting the environment but everyone hates you, even if they don’t know who “you” is.

Corey Aaron


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