America No Longer the Fat Guy at Parties

Apparently Americans have been getting fatter for the past 25 years plus but good news broke this week: there’s a populous country now fatter than us, and we call it Mexico.  Now this isn’t to say that we as a country have done anything to get less fat, we’re just no longer the most fat.  If you don’t feel like clicking the link I’ll give you a breakdown: more Mexicans are moving into urban, wealthy areas and have greater access to fast food and less exercise.  Apparently it’s even worse than it sounds since the poor are at a greater risk of obesity even though they’re malnourished and one-sixth of the adult population has diabetes linked to over-eating and lack of exercise (I’m not really sure how you go about being malnourished and borderline obese.  I mean, I do get it since I’m not an idiot but it just seems like one of those things that shouldn’t be allowed to happen).  I’m not sure what any of this means but what I do know is that Americans can now rejoice.

Like I said, we shouldn’t be proud because we’ve done a lot to bring our number down (the difference in obesity rate is only one percent) but be happy in the simple fact that we’re not the fattest kid in the friend group anymore.  The way things go it’s okay to be fat.  It’s even okay to be obese if you own that obesity and wield it like goofy, tubby sword and be the funny fat guy, but nobody necessarily wants to be the fattEST since by definition there is no one fatter than you. As a dude (or chick really) your best bet is to latch on to some chunk of human that isn’t going anywhere so that no matter how much you might let yourself go there will always be that one person who at least looks like they’ve let go a little bit more than you have.  This is especially true if you’re a chick, you never know when that “attraction by comparison” might come in handy.  Actually that’s probably not true, since for every Ms. Meatknuckle out there there’s a Mr. Meatknuckle willing to stick his bone in that sweet but slightly musky pie.  Regardless the point is that whoever you are you’re better off not being the fattest, mostly since then everyone can make fun of you for being the fat guy.

America has, however slightly, removed the stigma of being the fat guy in the world community.  Or at least we should if we play our cards right because lets face it, we didn’t exactly Kevin James it when we were the fat guy.  Instead of owning it we mostly just whined, muttered”that’s some lyin bullshit” and then take another bite of our Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese.  And I’m not hating on them, DQP’s are fucking delicious and I’d be fortunate and grateful to have one at this moment, but we didn’t have any fun with our title of the fattest and did nothing to try to own it.  Lets face it, whether you’re a person or a nation you can’t really complain about your fatness if you’re not doing anything about it.  If you’re going to act like that you should have done a better job finding a fatter friend at an earlier point in time.

But for the time being at least we can sleep soundly knowing that our neighbor to the south is a little bigger, a little fatter, and a little closer to diabetes than we are. Statistically that is, since I can’t know shit about your individual situation.  If this makes you want to run a few miles on the treadmill or some shit to try to reverse the trend then by all means.  As for this fat American, I’ll have a few bites of something fattening and delicious knowing that some poor, fat soul down in Mexico is eating just a little bit more of some unhealthy food than I am.

 

Corey Aaron

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