Tsk Tsk, it’s happened again. Clearly Anthony Weiner has never heard about or read my post on Snapchat (which you can read here) otherwise he probably would have downloaded the app and used it for his insatiable need to send dick picks to women all over the place. There are many jokes I could make about a guy named Weiner who can’t stop sending pics of his junk to people but it was already a tired joke the first time he got caught for this stuff so I’ll leave that to you if you want (jeez, I can’t do all of the work). Honestly it doesn’t matter all that much and I’m not going to weigh in on whether he should or shouldn’t get out of the mayoral race or whatever since CNN and all of the other news stations will beat that to death by seven hours ago (which is being generous). No, since I have nothing else to talk about and this is the prevailing story of the last couple days (besides that new billionaire baby born across the pond) I figured I’d take this opportunity to teach all of the other Carlos Dangers out there how to shape up their games to avoid this kind of embarrassing publicity. So here goes.
I know that as a normal, horny male it’s practically impossible to not send dick pics to all of your female friends at a frenzied pace. We struggle with it all the time. You wake up, brush your teeth, and have that irresistible urge to snap a photo of your throbbing seed-missile and send it to the most accommodating chicks in your contacts or Twitter followers list. But you know what? You can just, you know, not send pictures of your penis to other people. I know it’s really difficult to resist but it is an option to just keep your peen picks to yourself and admire them by your lonesome. I know, that’s weird and boring but also harmless unless you’re going to report yourself for sending dick pics to yourself. If you just can’t get around the whole sending your schlong thing then it’s probably a good idea to make sure this chick actually wants them. Like I’ve said before, nobody really wants to see your dick or pictures of you in general so you should probably do some due diligence before you send this shit to people haphazardly. Assuming that you’re convinced that this person actually wants to see what you want to send them then the next step is to make sure that said chick has no ulterior motives, because you’re wrong for being convinced of this and she definitely isn’t just collecting pictures of peoples’ penises. Peni? Whatever.
If you’re older or not that old but talking to a chick half your age and she claims she wants some pic of dick then you should probably be smart and assume that she actually wants the complete opposite and is only trying to pull up some dirty on you in the form of your erect penis on a 4 inch screen. It just makes sense and you’re wrong if you think otherwise. You really think these chicks would be talking to Weiner if they weren’t trying to see his just to have some shit on him? Give me a break. You’re naive if you think that these kind of chicks aren’t talking to him solely for the fact that he has some money and power and all of that. Sure, some older dudes go out with much younger chicks and it’s okay since she’s young and hot, he has money, influence or an American Express Black Card that he has no qualms with using to buy thousands of pairs of shoes and in return she just has to be willing to suck on some pruny testicles and deal with the fact that he might croak while banging her. It works out since it’s a nice, symbiotic relationship but that’s not what I’m talking about here. If you got busted for sending penis shots to some chicks a couple years ago and had to give up your well-paying and highly influential job then you might not want to bombard the next chick you find with the same kind of pictures, or any pictures at all for that matter, especially if you’re going to come up with a name like Carlos Danger. Take some time off or better yet retire for awhile, at least until you can find a way to get away with this discretely and with minimal backlash.
The fact of the matter is that everything you do on the internet is stored somewhere. Hopefully you’re all a little familiar with the whole NSA tracking thing that’s going on but at this point in time privacy is nearly, if not already dead. Social media, Google Searches, porn subscriptions, whatever you do on the internet is logged somewhere and if it’s through a public site it can probably be traced back to you by people who know what they’re doing. Hell even the cell phone in your pocket that you love so much and can’t live without is tracking all of the shit you do and sending it to third party subscribers or whatever (that’s the shit that happens when you “ok” all of those app permissions) so it’s safe to say that people can find what you put out there, especially if it’s your friend in your pants. This isn’t really to scare you, although maybe you should be, but should give you the idea to be smart about the things you’re going to do. If you want to send dick pics do it smartly and discretely. If you’re not going to pick up another phone to try to find lowly snapchatters then hire a chemist, buy an old Polaroid that spits out pictures instantly and send your pics from a discreet location with some kind of chemical that’ll destroy the pictures after they’ve been exposed to certain amount of oxygen or something. I don’t know, I’m no scientist but somebody could probably get it done. The point is in here somewhere, which I guess is that if you have some kind of insatiable dick pic sending habit (or any other habit for that matter) that you’re going to get some flack for then you should probably find a way to better keep people in the dark about that habit.