Standing Room Only And Why It’s The Worst

As some of you may know (AKA those who read that post), last Friday I went to my first country concert! To set your curious minds at ease, I had a great time! The music was awesome, my company was more than enjoyable and the atmosphere was as hick as ever. For only having three hit songs, Kip Moore puts on a pretty sweet concert. He’s not too hard on the eyes either.

Now that I’ve said that, I’m going to complain a bit about the negatives of a standing room only concert. I’ve been to concerts like this before, but I’ve never had a blog to bitch about it. Man, you guys are lucky you’re taking the time to read this! I’m sure you will agree with me on the majority of these points.

So the first problem with standing room only is just that – you’re standing the whole time! If that’s not enough of a reason to complain I don’t know what is! It should be mandatory to provide samples of bengay after the concert to sooth your aching muscles. I’m no spring chicken. Grandma’s got sore joints after she stands for two hours while dancing to her favorite songs that the artist conveniently places at the end of his set list (I’m referring to Something Bout A Truck, Kip…).

Second, whenever Kip Moore spoke into the microphone to fill the empty space between songs, it sounded like the teacher from The Peanuts. Well, less like a muted trombone and more like a terribly transmitted radio. Had no idea what the guy was saying. He could have been proposing to me for all I know and I missed the opportunity to be Mrs. Kip Moore. Damn it! I blame the tech crew. They will not be invited to the wedding.

Thirdly, personal space becomes a funny joke. People are constantly moving and readjusting to find the best view of the stage and completely forget common courtesy. All bets are off in standing room only. You will be standing directly behind someone, I mean centimeters of distance between you and the back of that person’s neck. You can either lightly blow cool air under their hairline or you can poke them anywhere you choose. It’s already annoying on Facebook, just think of how annoying it is in real life.

Fourth, and my top complaint that night, was all the damn tall people clogging up the center of the floor! Damn, South Dakota must have an average height of 5’10”. My pathetically short east coast stature couldn’t compete. I had to resort to peeking through windows people made between their shoulders and head. However, once I tilted my head at a comfortable 45 degrees and could see, the tall people, or couple (ugh), would shift and block my view. If looks could kill or laser beams could shoot from the pupil, all those people would be incinerated. It’d be those lasers from War of the Worlds where it just leaves their clothes and then I would have a great view and an amazing wardrobe, after a good wash of course. No one wants human ash on their maxi dress.

Last, but not least, possibly the biggest offense of all and the one everyone has been guilty of at least once, is crop dusting. For those unfamiliar with the term, that is when you silently pass gas while walking so you essentially spread the noxious leakage wherever you go, the same as crop dusters spread fertilizer. In this case, you fertilize nothing, you only kill. Let me tell you, beer and gas do not mix. People are constantly pushing past you to reach their friends, the bar or the bathroom…and you can usually tell when they need to go to the bathroom.

Oy, glad that’s over. Next week I’m going to my second country concert Crazy, I know! Toby Keith at the Buffalo Chip during the Sturgis motorcycle rally. Oh, don’t worry…I’m sure there will be a blog post on that experience somewhere.

2 thoughts on “Standing Room Only And Why It’s The Worst

  1. Reading the title of this post I thought that it would be about standing room for Broadway shows and was prepared to argue that Standing Room was awesome… let’s just say that this post was a real education for me.

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