Something we all hate. . . traffic. It sucks and worst of all it looks like there’s nothing that can be done about it. Wrong. Since traffic is created by drivers it’s up to us to eradicate this nuisance once and for all. Where I live it seems like traffic has gotten more terrible and frustrating in the past year or so, which I chalk up to those shitty, borderline-legal red light cameras and an increasing number of terrible drivers on the road. Think about it, how many times have you been sitting in crushing traffic on the parkway, grinding out mile after mile behind the same Subaru Impreza while desperately trying to find something on the radio besides “Mirrors” only to find that the cause of all of your angst and misery was a stopped car on the side of the road or some asshole who was pulled over? Probably more times than you wanted to, since it seems like that kind of situation happens every day.
Now I’m a simple man. I like my pizza with pepperoni, my beers cold, and my traffic to be caused by something that actually impedes cars from being able to move. When I’m driving on the parkway stuck in an immovable sea of motor vehicles a part of me prays that at the end of the line I see a couple of brains on the pavement or a demolished big rig taking up three lanes or something else equally disturbing or destructive. I hope to see a flesh-eating monster ripping people apart, a hoard of zombies or a fucking dragon sitting in the road or something. At least a Snorlax. I desire this not because I want people to be hurt but because I hope that there’s a really good reason that my and everyone else’s time has been wasted in this queue of cars. I’m pretty much serious. Whenever I’m driving and find out that the traffic was caused by some asshole on the side of the road I’m immediately enraged whereas if I see something horrible happened I’m pacified by the fact that the traffic is justified.
So what am I suggesting we do here? Obviously avoiding accidents is out of the question since as far as I know people don’t willingly get into them. I can’t wait for automated driving. Like really really can’t wait. I personally love driving but unfortunately they let everyone else do that too so it pretty much ruins the experience. Once these Google cars take off I’ll be elated. Imagine just getting in your car and having it take you wherever you’re going without having to worry about the twat smoking a cigarette while texting or the douchy ricer who desperately needs to beat you to that upcoming red light. I can’t wait and I’ll be pretty pissed if they’re not implemented within the next 10 to 20. Until that time all we can do is avoid contributing to the problem (because fyi you’re never stuck in traffic, you are the traffic). So what can you do? Next time you’re stuck in traffic and suspect you’re in a situation where there’s a mere car stopped on the road or a doucher pulled over remember this and don’t give them the time of day. Hell even if there’s a person lying on the road and tons of people gathering around them I implore you to look ahead and keep driving. If you don’t slow down and pay zero attention then we won’t have to wait behind your slow ass. Now all I need is for every driver to read this and stick to it and my day won’t be quite as shitty.