If PMS Doesn’t Kill You, The Lady With It Will

I’m PMSing. This may be serious TMI, but we’ve been pretty open here and you’ll get to know us better as time goes on. As a menstruating female, I get my period once a month providing my uterus decides to stay uninhabited, and I stay away from penises. That second one is tough…not. So I’m blessed with fluctuating hormones prior to and during my monthly gift. However, I am not the only person that is effected by my lovely change in mood.

Now, guys, not all women experience the same mood swings when they PMS. I’ve met plenty of women that recognize their changes and accept them. That’s all you can do. Men, we know what’s happening to us. We know we become unpredictable and often times crazy. Trust me, we’ve been dealing with it since we were in our teens. You only have to deal with it as long as you know us. For husbands, that becomes a long and winding road. Prepare yourselves men. As for lesbian couples, God speed.

For some women, the hormonal changes spark uncontrolled emotions. This can lead to outbursts at the smallest missed detail followed by a flood of tears. These women may be completely normal the other 3 weeks of their cycle, but you catch them on PMS days and you’ll wish you had a calendar. I’m lucky enough to only be mildly sensitive during this phase. For instance, my boss scolded me at work for something (which was not actually my fault) and after we had that 10 minute meeting I was about to break down. It’s not like he was firing me or berating me, just sternly telling me to do better. Nearly lost it. Chill, Tob. But that’s what happens. Hormones do crazy things and that includes making women emotional for no reason. Sucks to be the guys with that girl. Whatever you do, do not watch a sad movie. Speaking from experience, it’s not an attractive sight. I hope your girlfriend is a pretty crier. I, sadly, am not.

Then there’s the heavy eater. This woman will stop at nothing until her cravings are satisfied. Do not get between her and a Hershey’s bar. Do not get between her and that bag of potato chips. Do not attempt to stop her. You will lose fingers. No jokes about her cravings. Let her consume whatever she wants. Pointing out her excessive eating will only get you killed. If you want to get laid before she starts her period, provide snacks for her. Make sure they’re her snacks of choice. You need to know if she’s a salty or a sweet person. Otherwise you’re in for about a week and a half of lonely nights in the shower.

And then there’s me: irritable and easily agitated. Some PMS weeks go smoothly where I barely notice that I’m about to bleed seemingly unprovoked for a few days. Those are good weeks. Unfortunately, that’s not a common occurrence. Similar to the emotional girls, the smallest thing sets me off. It could be an unintentional, maybe the tone in someone’s voice, how they word a statement, but it just won’t sit right and consequently piss me off. Sometimes I feel generous and warn people of my mental state, but other times it crashes down like a wave. If you’re unlucky enough to get caught underneath it, just say your prayers and hold your breath. Hopefully you can swim. Yeah, you like that analogy. Now, in all seriousness, I hate this reaction to PMS. It’s unflattering and makes me crazy. But, at least it’s only a few days a month. I could always be crazy.

Did I miss any?

Basically, PMS is unavoidable. If you’re with someone who is mildly effected, hold on to her…unless she’s a sociopath, then she’s just hiding it and is probably plotting to kill you. For most of you men, just suck it up and keep your distance…unless she wants to cuddle. Then you cuddle the shit out of her. You hear me?! Do what she says if you want to live.


One thought on “If PMS Doesn’t Kill You, The Lady With It Will

  1. Pingback: An Annoying Fact Of Life For Women | Kram Comedy Speaks

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