It’s August now and has been for the past six days, which although isn’t an unexpected occurrence still, for lack of a better term, sucks balls. Yeah I know, it’s still summer and still hot and nice out and all that which is all well and good but you’re lying to yourself if you think August doesn’t suck at least a little bit (read: a lot) more than most months, especially when it has the unfortunate position of coming after indisputably better months.
Going back a few calendar pages, May is a pretty solid month overall. If you’re in school it’s either winding down followed by a few finals or papers or not winding down followed by finals or papers that incite mass suicide but regardless of your circumstances you can take some comfort in the fact that the light at the end of the tunnel is steadily becoming brighter. If you’re a working folk then it’s nice because it seems like it’s going to be consistently warm any day now, you’re getting more daylight hours and there’s that overall positive feel of “summer soon” even if you don’t have the luxury of looking forward to being off.
June’s great. If you’re young enough you might still associate it with the positive feelings you had as a kid when you looked forward to getting off from school and being able to lead the carefree life that little people live. At this point it’s fucking summer, filled with possibilities, parties, and women in sundresses. Go to the beach and you might see a couple hot chicks for every 37 ugly/old/deformed you’ll see. It really is a golden time. Unless you despise blistering heat like I do, in which case you might have a few complaints but overall it’s a pretty positive 31 days out of the year.
Looking at July, the month that immediately precedes the dreaded eighth month, is an awesome month as well; There’s the Fourth, which is a built in reason to party and get hammered in the name of your country, no shame involved unless you drunkenly blow someone’s or your own limb off with some ill-advised fireworks that you forgot to let go of. Other than that it’s a full month of summer, nice weather and if you’re still in schooling age a good time to try to do all of the things that you wanted to do over your break, however long it might be. You really have to take advantage of it because although it’s in a seven-way-tie for most days in a month it goes by quickly and can slip through your fingers before you know it.
This brings us to August. Fucking August. Now I might be especially bitter since this is the month that ushers in another whole year of school-cycle but everyone knows August is terrible and everyone hates it. All you have to do is look at the news to see how little has been going on – yeah, Obama’s still spying on us, baseball still has steroid crap with zero else going on the sports world, a few stupid famous people had kids, whatever. The top story on CNN a few minutes ago was a kid who treated seizures with some fucking pot. Nothing really groundbreaking here. And the reason is because everyone collectively knows that they’re in the middle of a terrible month. Even the calendar makers know August sucks because they didn’t bother putting any holidays in it. August is also the month where you lament over all of the fun things that you wanted to do over the summer but never got to do, like go on that cruise your friends have been planning for years, take a road trip (ahem, Simon), or finally try to bag that three-way. Regardless of what you had hoped to do you most assuredly didn’t get to do everything you wanted, especially if your plans were ambitious (expensive) or involved having sex with any celebrity. And lets be real, nobody has the time or optimistic fortitude to happily reflect on all of the fun things you actually did get to do over the summer. You could’ve spent the whole damn summer in a hut in Tahiti being pleasured by a harem of impregnable hot chicks around the clock with an unlimited supply of Taco Bell, sports packages on television, and Lego Star Wars sets and you’d still be a little disappointed that you missed out on that one concert or didn’t get to log in as many hours poning n00bs on Call of Duty.
So yeah, if you haven’t gotten my drift I think August is the Satan of all months (but let’s wait until we get to the winter months) and you should hate it if you don’t already. If you have an opinion on all of this or can come up with some reasons why August doesn’t suck you can let me know. Until then, here’s lookin to the better months.