The First Date Kiss: Just Do It

Disney movies have taught us a lot over the years. Among the lessons we’ve learned appearances aren’t everything, don’t trust creepy looking old ladies and animals are fantastic at housework. But one of the most important lessons was given as advice by my good friend Sebastian the crab in The Little Mermaid. He sets the mood for Ariel and Prince Eric while Eric attempts to seduce Ariel on a wonderfully romantic canoe outing. The title of the song is “Kiss The Girl”. Unfortunately, it took Eric the entire song to make a move and was ultimately thwarted by two eels. If Eric had the balls he would have kissed her sooner. If he had kissed her sooner, then she wouldn’t have backed off when Eric was tricked by Ursula. That way, Ariel wouldn’t have sat on her ass at first thinking “Does he like me? Well, he didn’t kiss me…Does that mean he just wants to be friends? I’m 16 and relationships confuse me.” Guess what, Ariel, relationships even confuse adults. Don’t worry. I bet mermen grab life by the fin and attack their mermaid’s face with kisses. They could be more aggressive than humans, we don’t know. Right, off topic…

Kissing on the first date is okay! We are no longer in the 1950s when women could barely reveal their ankles. Keep up with the times. Girls are practically walking around naked. Guys too, but it’s because their pants expose their ass (Solution: belts). It’s okay to kiss the girl you’re with if you like her. In fact, it’s recommended! Let’s say you had a great first date. You either met for the first time or you’d been friends first, doesn’t matter. What matters is the experience and if you’d like to do it again. If you do, the best way to show the girl that night is by kissing her. The kiss is her hint that you’re interested in another date. Maybe it gets really heated and she brings you inside. Odds are it won’t, but there’s always that chance.

Before you decide on that first kiss, you need to observe your date throughout the night. Is there touching, sparkling eye contact, lip biting or lip licking? If any of those actions were seen, and it’s not because she’s twitching or incapable of blinking, you’re good to go. The first kiss is so necessary because it defines kissing compatibility. I’ve encountered some pretty terrible kissers in my life, none of which have become boyfriends simply because it’s difficult to continue kissing someone when it’s not enjoyable. Kissing is one of the most simple ways to show affection and if you don’t like it, but can tolerate it, that person better be pretty great at other affectionate things or, if this is how you roll, shitting out money. That kiss is incredibly important. No pressure.

Now, yes, I know guys avoid kissing on the first date to “act like gentlemen”. Cop-out. If you like her and she likes you, she wants to be kissed. Of course there are some girls that are more shy than others, but that’s a risk you’ll have to take. As long as you’re not overly aggressive hopefully she’s okay with a light peck. Do not stick your tongue down her throat. Do not slobber all over her lips if her mouth is closed. Do not slobber all over her lips if her mouth is open. Use a respectable amount of tongue so as not to overstep your first date boundaries. Even Patti Stanger of Millionaire Matchmaker tells her millionaires to kiss their dates if they had a good time! I mean, come on, Patti may not be married herself, but she knows what she’s talking about. Girls just waiting for her Prince Charming, or Eric, or Phillip, depending on what Disney movie you compare to real life.

If there is no kiss after the first date, the girl returns home with her brain in overdrive. She’s worried you didn’t like her and won’t call her (let’s be real, people generally text) or maybe you just want to be friends. She’s probably texting all of her friends asking their opinion even though they weren’t there. If you make up for it and ask her out again, she’s thinking there’s hope. Do it on the second date! If you keep asking her to go out and keep avoiding the kiss she is going to put you in the friend zone since she assumes you put her there first. No one likes the friend zone. I have been friend zoned and it sucks.

The take away message: KISS THE GIRL OR GUY (depending on your preference). Please, if they cringe, slap you and storm off, oh well. Fuck ’em. You liked them and they weren’t receptive. Clearly you don’t want to date them anyway. If they politely decline and request that you hold off on kissing until a few more dates in, then apologize and agree…if you want. Not gonna force you to be understanding.

Hope it works out for ya! Let me know if it does!


5 thoughts on “The First Date Kiss: Just Do It

  1. I don’t want a gentlemen if be doesn’t show interest with a kiss. What stinks is sometimes its not what I want and I have found myself doing an odd hug but at least they went for it. Now I’m married and no longer worry about awkward kisses.

    • The odd hug is the kicker. For some reason, I’m incapable of hugging like a normal person so I know what you’re talking about. Lucky that you’re married. Now you can get kisses whenever you want!

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