Time to Clean: A Quick Bachelor’s Guide

Here’s the situation: you’re living on your own, either with roommates or not, and your place is a complete mess.  Someone more important than your regular friends are coming over, be it your parents, a hot chick, or just someone who you don’t know well enough to let know that you live in a place with radiation levels reaching Chernobyl status.  You’re lazy and you’ve been busy so you haven’t gotten around to a good ol’ tidying up in awhile but don’t worry, your friend gave you plenty of time to get your shit in order so it’s not on the bottom of their shoe or crawling into their pants.  Except no they didn’t, you have fifteen minutes fucker! Now what do you do? Well don’t worry, as a live-aloner for two years I’ve got you covered.

First things first, pick up all of your shit off of the floor. Actually better yet, move all of the crap off of any horizontal surfaces that will be viewed by your guests if you have time. Empty solos on your table? Chuck ’em, your home could do without the smell of dried up beer anyway. Plates and shit on the countertop? Throw that stuff in the cupboard damn it. If you’re not sure where to put something then throw it in the garbage, you obviously don’t need it if you have no idea where the fuck it goes. We also know you’re not above fetching it out of the garbage later on if you suddenly remember where the thing goes or that you actually couldn’t bear to live without it. Moving your shit off of tables and cleaning the floor is really half the battle and you’ll feel a lot better once it’s done. Maybe even so good that you’ll think your job is done, but alas it isn’t. Don’t worry, I know you’re lazy so not too much more.

But that’s another thing, take out the trash. I know it piles up quickly but if you have people coming just take it out. You’ll lose some of that shit smell instantly and maybe some of those maggots will stop chillin in your domain. While you’re at it empty your bathroom garbage and any other trash you have, which I’m sure is a lot. Between beer cans and boxes and all of the eating out you do I’m sure all of your unwanteds would have made a great Hooverville 80 years ago. While you’re emptying the garbage make sure you put that blue shit in your toilet to kill that pink shit that’s surely been growing down there. Clean your sink, make sure there’s teepee and worry about your shower later.

Last things last, we have the sink. We all know the sink looks infinitely better dishless but let’s be real, you have enough dishes in your sink to do something that would require many dishes. You don’t have time now, it’s a dead zone that’s beyond saving. Throw some bleach in there to kill the smell and a few of the living things in there and move on. Pray to whatever you pray to that none of your guests needs a fucking plate or fork, they might not make it back. After that you’re probably going to have it about as clean as you can in 15-20 but you’re not done yet. Open up a few windows, fabreeze the shit out of your place and throw any other undesirables in the closet. Congratulations, your place is finally clean! For a grimy bachelor at least.

Corey Aaron

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