So we’re going out for Simon’s birthday tonight and guess who isn’t coming? If you’re even a semi-regular reader and didn’t guess “Toby” then I want you to grab your computer, unplug it of course, and throw it out the nearest window, open or not. You’ve lost your privileges for the day. Now that we’ve cut out a little bit of that fat I can finally continue. Like I said, we’re going out and if you’re still here then you correctly guessed that the one and only Toby won’t be joining us. It’s nothing too crazy, just a city bound night, starts relatively early and comes with all of the perks of not sitting on Toby’s couch, unless her couch contains a bevy of drinks, hot chicks, and city debauchery, in which case I’m in there like Narnia. Simon even went through all of the trouble of calling the place we’re going to in order to secure half-price drinks from 9-12. What a bro, right? Yeah, well instead of graciously accepting the invite to be a part of our company for the glorious b-day extravaganza Toby decided to literally (read: not literally) shit in Simon’s mouth then made him pass it into my mouth. Always the sloppy seconds.
So what does Toby have to do that’s so much more important? Who knows really. And what’s better than half-priced drinks for a whole three hours? And here (Warning: A Wild Stereotype Approaches) I thought you’d be stoked about the whole saving money thing. Instead of hanging with her troupe members and best buds maybe she’s going to hang with that Teen Mom chick who got banged by James Deen again. If you don’t believe me just take a gander at this pic:
So as you can see, it seems Toby’s fallen in with a new crowd. The “pregnant-in-their-teens who now gets rammed in the ass by a porn star” crowd. As upset as I am I can’t really blame her; we all go through the phase. One second your world seems tiny, empty, and closed off and the next you find out that there are chicks who’ve had babies before they could vote and still manage to get a dude with a humongo-dong to ass-bang them on video. And make money off of it. Normal life can seem like a bit of a downer once you realize all of these vast possibilities out there. I’m sure she’s feeling empty, alone, and not really sure of her place in this universe. I know, I’ve been there. We all cope how we see fit, I guess her way requires some new friends. I get it, but on the other hand she’s being pretty selfish, right? I mean, after all, your friends only have so many birthdays before you’re either not friends anymore or one of you shits your way to the other side. What if there’s a freak beer tap accident tonight and none of us make it? I guess that’s just something that Toby and her new friend Farrah will have to deal with on their own time. Don’t let the guilt subsume you like it did Bruce Wayne, you’re not nearly rich or strong enough to pull the Batman thing off. Oh and fighting crime is pretty strenuous. Blowing chunks along the way might gross out some of the bad guys but you’ll probably end up shot, so just don’t ever consider it.
Assuming that doesn’t happen I guess the question of how to get our friend back remains. I’m assuming that neither Simon nor myself will run into porn stars tonight willing to ass-bang us so I guess that option’s probably out. None of us have kids approaching the age of eight (thank god) so we don’t even have that going for us. I guess the only option that remains is to go out tonight, drink a bunch, celebrate, dance, have fun, live it up, and try not to get died by a beer tap. Actually that sounds like the best option, forget I even thought about the other ones. And now that I think about it have fun with your new friend Toby, and watch out for her gaping oriphi. You’re the worst.
It’s supposed to start at 2:19 but I suggest watching the whole clip. Actually make that the whole show, Community is awesome.