Who’s Hoarding All the Breaks?

You’re driving in traffic on the highway and the lane next to you seems to be moving.  There’s an opening so you whip your car into the next lane, with the hope that you’ll cut a good 30 seconds off of your trip.  You move a few feet then stop dead only to look out your window and see the lane you just came from start bustling along.  Another scenario: you’re in the city and you just got a text from a friend saying they’re at a cool bar downtown.  You find out which subway line gets you to where you’re trying to go and make your way there.  You pay your fare and find the correct track only to see the train you needed to take pulling away from the station into the vast underbelly of the city.  Last one: you’re driving home from your job or school or whatever.  Unless your house changes locations while you’re gone you probably have a handful of ways you can take to get home.  You’re making good time but you’re coming up on a traffic light.  That traffic light, the one that always stops you in your tracks.  You’re moving towards it, still green and looking good.  Almost … almost …. fuck! Yellow light (slams brakes only to come to a stop at this light for the 13504th time).

What are all of these stellar examples of? If you said life shitting on you  a little bit then you’re not wrong.  What I was thinking was that they’re all examples of life depriving you of a break.  One might say it’s giving you a fix, but that person would be an idiot.  Everything I just talked about in the preceding paragraph is all bullshit, not in that it’s false but that it’s cruel and horseshitty.  One day when I was sitting at my own journey-stopping light I had a thought. If there are so many times in a day when life can give you a break then for most people it must even out.  You probably remember the times when you were raped by traffic more than the carefree, traffic-less ones but it should be around fifty-fifty  in actuality right? This means that there are also people who almost never catch a break, which is probably how most people feel, just like how all of the chicks on OkCupid are “slender” and every dude knows how to grill a steak.

This leads to the last group of people: the ones that pretty much always catch a break.  Who are these mystery men living amongst us? What supermen (fuck, right, gotta be P.C. Superpeople, assholes) are out there pretending to be normal, just like us, only to deceive us into believing that this enormous power doesn’t exist.  Superpower? Really dude? Is this really that big of a deal? A resounding YES should be screamed in your ear right now, then the dude who did that can throw you out the window next to your busted computer.  Yes, in a world where the closest thing to a to a superhero is a 114 year old Asian man who can emit a little heat from his hands and Vegas card counters this is a big deal. There’s a whole population out there who has the power of daily luck on their side, the ability to always catch a break, to never get caught at that terribly-timed red light. If you’re one of these people I’d like to hear from you and how awesome your life is. Rock on.

Corey Aaron


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