The Dreaded Wedgie Pick

Please excuse this post being a day late, I was busy being Jewish and searching for inspiration at Temple.

Don’t worry, I found it.

We do a lot of sitting and standing during services and last night was no different. At one point when we stood, I felt a familiar sensation of my underwear snuggling a little too far into my cheeks. It’s rather uncomfortable in any underwear, unless it’s a thong and that’s where it’s supposed to be (which doesn’t make it less uncomfortable, but there’s not much you can do about it). Well, tonight I thought I’d go conservative and rock the hipster style. I would like to point out that these are not granny panties, but they do provide full coverage. I’m in Temple after all, no need to offend God, despite being so close to Yom Kippur where I can atone for all of my sins. We may not have weekly confession, but once a year we wipe our slate clean and are forgiven for all the shit we did the year before. Not a bad deal.

Right, wedgies. So I’m standing up, panties riding where they shouldn’t and I have an urge to pick it, but can’t because of the innocent bystanders behind me. It’s not like we’re walking or they may be looking in a different direction, no, they are facing straight ahead at my back where my ass happens to be. The pick is too obvious. Everyone will notice a hand reaching at the elastic of your underwear. And what if you miss? What if you need to give that a second or third grab before it’s dislodged from your crack? Is that a risk you’re willing to take?

On the soccer field, we classy ladies pick wedges all the time (at least I did). You really have to consider the underwear you put on before you play. A “bad underwear” day may have you running and reaching so nothing gets sucked into the abyss that is your butt. I had no shame on the field. I’d rather have two seconds of embarrassment than an entire half of awkward running.

However, that was not the case last night. No wedgies were picked with unaware congregants behind me. No one needed to be subjected to that. The nice couple three rows behind mine didn’t need to see me struggle to return my underwear to its rightful place on my buttox. So there it stayed. Eventually, it removed itself…I think. Otherwise my body got used to the amount of fabric between my cheeks and just accepted it. Isn’t the human body amazing?

I say, pick away.

Toby

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2 thoughts on “The Dreaded Wedgie Pick

  1. Pingback: The Unfortunate Opposite of the Immaculate Wipe | Kram Comedy Speaks

  2. 1. put your hand in one pocket and press against the side of your underwear
    2. start walking somewhere so you don’t look like a moron
    3. push your underwear slightly forward while taking a bigger-than-normal step with the opposite leg

    idk how well this would work for girls, but try it out. it sure does the trick for boxers

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