The Unfortunate Opposite of the Immaculate Wipe

I guess I’ll keep up this below the belt theme. It’s a worthy topic in its own right so why not now.  If you’re reading this right now then you’re either currently taking a poop or preparing to take one at a future time, probably within the next day actually.  In fact you’ve been pooping your whole life from before you can remember and, unless they find some cure for it (unlikely in case you’ve wondered), are likely to continue to for the duration of your stay.  Sometimes your crap might go well.  Quick and with relative ease.  You might occasionally experience the trifecta: quick deuce, solid body, and an immaculate wipe.  Ah, yes, the sublime immaculate wipe.  Not necessarily at “unicorn” level but definitely a welcome occurrence in the porcelain domain.

Unfortunately most craps aren’t quite that clean and end up requiring at least a few strokes of toilet paper.  This more likely scenario is actually what I wanted to address, except it gets worse.  Sometimes you have the opposite of the immaculate wipe.  Sometimes it seems no matter how much time you spend, no matter how many sheets you use, you can’t get that last little bit of shit.  “There can’t possibly be any more. That has to be it,” you think after your twenty-first wipe.   You pull up your pants, look behind to check your work, flush, and wash your hands.  Afterwards you continue about your day doing whatever it was you were doing before nature called.

The only problem is that about ten minutes in you come to the sudden realization that you have a certain uncomfortable feeling situated between your asscrack, a very particular feeling that can only mean one thing: you didn’t wipe well enough mothafucka.

“Shit.”  Now this might not be exactly how it happens.  Maybe you were visiting that cheap relative who only buys one-ply toilet paper when your body decided it was time to go.  Maybe you didn’t have much time.  Your friends are on their way to pick you up for that concert you’ve been looking forward to for months and its now or never. Maybe you did it on purpose because you like how a little poo feels in your butt when you play intramural volleyball.  However it ends up happening the first thought most people have once they realize is “damn, I have to do something about this.”  If a bathroom is readily available then it’s no problem, you can go back in and take care of your soiled rim.  Things get a little trickier if this isn’t the case.

If you’re one of those people who’s stupidly self conscious about going to the bathroom too often then you’re just going to have to suffer until you deem it socially acceptable.  And you completely deserve it.  On the other hand, if you legitimately can’t get to the bathroom again in the near future then I’m afraid your options are slim.  There’s not much you can do to remedy the situation unless you’re willing to cross a few boundaries.  If you’re wearing underwear and it doesn’t hold any sentimental value I guess you could try to mask a wedgie-wipe as a casual wedgie pick but I’m not sure I’m willing to endorse that tactic due to the whole poo now being on your underwear thing.  I guess you should save this one if you need it in a pinch, or if you’re in some kind of sweaty mid-summer mosh pit or something where cleanliness  isn’t paramount.

Right now your underwear is way too important and you’re already too big of a puss to simply pick a wedge so you’re relegated to waiting for the next b-room opportunity.  “You win this time Shit of Bathrooms Past.” So what can you do to prevent this in the future? Probably eat more fiber. If you’re more of a reactionary then I’d recommend some solid, 2+ ply toilet paper, some flushable baby wipes (actually who the fuck doesn’t flush ALL baby wipes?), or if you have some cash to burn, a nice Mediterranean bidet.

Merry movements

Corey Aaron

If your toilet paper doesn't have this orientation I'm not sure what you're doing with your life

If your toilet paper doesn’t have this orientation I’m not sure what you’re doing with your life

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