The Biggest Life Deal Breaker: You’re Ass Ugly

Do we still have no government? Does anyone even care? If you do you can go to this site, which says that apparently we’re still shut down.  Time to revolt or loot? Who’s with me? That’s a dumb idea, probably. What else do we have going on? Baseball playoffs? The new Pokemon games are only a few days away? Walking Dead coming back soon? Is Miley Cyrus still a thing? Why am I asking all of these questions?

I guess as far as Kram’s concerned we’ve been talking about deal breakers, which you can read here and here if you haven’t already.  Of course Toby would write about how important deal breakers are. You’re more likely to find a two year old who loves steak tartar and okra (ugh, okra) than Toby is to find nothing wrong with a dude.  It’s bad, like “one stray, unshaved face hair is a deal-breaker” bad.  Her words, not mine.

Since we’re going on about deal breakers I guess I’ll talk about the biggest one of them all.  No, not teen pregnancy, although that’s a nice try.  I guess this qualifies as a relationship deal breaker but in actuality it’s more of a life deal breaker.  Actually it’s less of a deal breaker and more of a handicap.  Actually it’s probably the biggest handicap you can have if you plan to do anything in life, besides having like super-AIDS or one leg or something.  This one’s pretty bad and your quality of life will probably suffer if you’re one of the millions (billions?) who possess this quality.

Sometimes you’re alone and sometimes when you’re alone you start to think about stuff, at least one hopes.  Every once in awhile you have one of those thoughts that reminds you why you only have them once in awhile.  If any part of you is an introspect then you’ve probably had a moment where you realize that you’re all you’ve got. Not in the sense that nobody loves you or supports you (although decent shot that’s true, even decenter if you have no parents) but in the sense that you are what you are. Not to say people don’t change (they don’t by the way, at least not quickly) but if you’re close to or already in adulthood then that’s pretty much it, you have the hand you were dealt and have to figure out how to play the game with what you’ve been dealt.

What I’ve used a lot of words to say and not to say is that if your eyes are green then they’re fucking green, if you’re 5’10” then that’s how far you’re going to be from the ground til you’re six feet in it and however smart, athletic, or whatever quality you want to name you are is pretty much what you’re stuck with bar a few exceptions. This isn’t to make you feel like shit, more so just to open your eyes a little, whatever color you’re stuck with.

Now if you will, think about all of these things for a minute. Try to be honest with yourself for 35 seconds. While you’re doing this imagine that you’re ugly as fuck. Of course if you are ugly as fuck then you don’t have to imagine, it’s your truth every day. The point finally emerges, and it’s this: if you’re ugly as shit then that’s probably a deal breaker for your life and you’re stuck with probably the biggest handicap that you can have.

If you don’t believe me then go on Facebook or whatever and find the ugliest thing you know. You probably don’t really know them (what’s the point) or probably don’t like them. If you’re a lying sack of shit and think they’re just as good as everyone else then go to a beautiful person’s page and see how much more you like looking at them over the ugly shit you just looked at. I’m not trying to hate on uglies or make you feel bad if you are, I’m just pointing out a truth.

You applied for a job but a really hot chick did too? Sorry man, you’re missing out on that one. There’s one taco left at your favorite taco stand and Brad Pitt reincarnate is there too? Sorry bitch, you’re going hungry tonight.

It’s not that beautiful people are inherently better people than their ugly counterparts, it’s just that no matter the situation the hot person will always be preferred and probably come out ahead. Think about your friends. Until you realize that the beautiful people are just as shitty, if not shittier than your ugly friends then you probably favor them in some way, especially if you’re a dude.

Anecdote: a friend of mine who happens to be a hot chick is crazy and decided to wait at the Apple Store overnight for the new iPhone. Not only did the security guard give her his personal cell number in case shit went down but she got the last good spot in line and the people next to her gave her an extra chair since hers was shitty. Why’d they do these things? Maybe she happen to run into a few of those rare charitable souls but I’d bet if it was me waiting there instead of her I wouldn’t have gotten any of that preferential treatment. That’s just a little taste of how being attractive is just going to work out better for you.

So if you’re ugly then Toby won’t date you, we know that much. Unfortunately it’s a lot worse than that and things are always going to be a bit shittier for you and you’re going to have a lot to overcome. Don’t fret though, attractiveness is a sliding scale so if you’re not a complete turd face then you can do things to help yourself. Try not to be fat and get yourself some nice clothes. Finding ways to get rich will help too. Until then, keep trucking on.

Something something you’re fine the way you are something something

Corey Aaron


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