This past weekend I returned to my undergrad roots and visited SUNY Oswego for our first annual Alumni Weekend. Safe to say, the turnout wasn’t what we expected, but ya gotta start somewhere right? You know what else was unexpected? The sad feeling when you return to college and realize you’re too old for this shit. While I still enjoy going out and having a good time, I’m pretty sure my body is incapable of doing that two to three nights in a row. I have to stay up until 4am two nights a week and that’s seriously exceeding expectations. That wasn’t even a possibility in college and now I have zero hope of being a party animal at the ripe old age of 24.
Over the weekend my friends and I discovered some new things about ourselves. Many of these new facts are related to our age, stamina and recovery time. So, for your enjoyment, here’s a list.
You know you’re too old for college when:
You’re hungover for 16 hours after one night of going hard.
You’re incapable of compromising being cold versus being sexy.
You don’t know anyone. An-y-one.
Everyone looks about the age of 12. And if they don’t you’re still sure they’re younger than you. Despite what their ID says.
You’re uncomfortable around the amount of skin being shown. Cropped tops and dresses with side slits are in. I’ll pass.
Going out at 9:30pm is ideal.
Pregaming is a thing of the past. Unless it’s Caprisun.
You don’t need to pregame when your tolerance is a maximum of 3 beers.
You can get ready to ABC Family princess movie marathons. Why yes, I’ll straighten my hair and put my makeup on to the sounds of Anne Hathaway becoming a Genovian princess.
Dressing like a slut isn’t even an option.
The bartenders remember you from 3 years ago when you attended school.
Reminiscing about going out is more fun than actually going out.
The bitchy bartender is still bitchy because she remembers how much she hates you (aka every other girl on the planet). Seriously, I just want to see this girl smile.
You can no longer eat shit without feeling like shit. See ya, post-drinking binge eating.
You can talk to anyone in the bar because you don’t care.
Your goal of the night is to make out with an undergrad and stay out until 1am, but fail at both.
So much has changed since you were a student that you literally talk about it all night and the next day.
Many of your conversations end with “kids these days…”
Six shots and a pitcher of beer cost $10 and you’re like sign me up!
You’re visibly angry that bathrooms at public places are closed to the public because of college kids’ stupidity.
You find the need to include the fact that you’re alumni every time you encounter undergrads that don’t know you.
Crowds give you anxiety.
Loud music upsets you because you can’t have a conversation.
You call yourself a legend.
I’m Toby. I’m a legend. And I’m out.