Breaking New App of 2007: Blackberry Messenger

Do you find your current social messaging apps too sluggish?  Are your friends and borderline acquaintances just not accessible enough for you?  Do you yearn for the old days when you could expect a timely response to one of your messages, like in the days of AOL and AIM? Are you tired of sitting on the Facebook refreshing the same news feed over and over? Want a new app that connects you to your friends even better than all of the other apps that connect you to your friends?

Then boy are you in for a real treat because Blackberry has just launched BBM, otherwise known as Blackberry Messenger, again!

Features:

  • Get on our waiting list for your very own Pin! Once you receive your Pin you can post it on your MySpace or Friendster page along with the Facebook or Twitters if you please.  However you choose to stay connected now, make sure you use that service to spread your Pin like a bad case of gonorrhea and then immediately stop using all of those other sites.  You’ll find you may not even have to anymore, because connectivity.
  • Display your Pin as a fancy little square barcode thing that you can show your friends, so if you happen to see any people in real life all they have to do is use some other kind of app to scan it and voila! Instant connectivity.
  • Amass another huge friends list of people you’re never going to fucking talk to anyway.  Lets face it, you don’t care whose Pin or how many you get but you should, if for no other reason than when you compare BBMs with your petty friends you’re able say you have more than them.  Plus you can never have too many on the “people I never talk to from high school” friends list!
  • Profile pictures- ever talk to a friend but don’t remember who you’re talking to because your current social app doesn’t have profile pictures? Of course not, every fucking app has profile pictures.  Words with fucking Friends has profile pictures.  Well guess what? BBM does too, so that mess of a situation is still something you’ll never, ever encounter.
  • Quick Delivery-  other apps not getting whatever colossally-important things you have to say out there fast enough?  Well don’t you worry, because BBM uses the speed of the internets to get your messages out there instantly!  That means it’s just up to your dickhead friends to message you back.
  • Group Messages-  Ever feel like you want to talk to someone, but that you also want to talk to more someones, perhaps at the same time?  BBM has you covered with its new group messaging feature.  Talk to more than one person like never before!  Not that you care, but other people can even talk to each other within the message!!  Plus you’ll never get confused over who’s saying what, since this feature utilizes the “profile picture” feature.

Still not convinced? That’s okay, we didn’t think you would be.  But you know what?  You’re gonna fucking download this app anyway.  You’ll probably post something that feigns regret and attempts wit like “Haha it’s so stupid but lets see how this goes!!” followed by your god damn BBM pin because that’s just how you are.  It’s fine, just don’t act like you’re the first person to “regrettably” hop on a bandwagon.  Oh, and remember this post a month and a half from now when you’re about to use BBM and then realized it’s just easier to use whatever app you had been using before.

Yup

Corey Aaron

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