For the love of god please bring on the self-driving cars. I only bring it up after coming across this article today, which if you don’t feel like reading basically says that 90% of drivers would consider buying a self-driving car if it would get them an 80% discount on their auto insurance. In other news 99% of males in a relationship would dump their partners if hookers offered them an 80% discount on blowjobs. Can’t argue economics man.
So what does this say about self-driving cars? Not much, except that people still like buying one thing to save money on another thing. What I’m going to say about self-driving cars is that we need them, desperately.
It’s not that I personally don’t like driving; I actually really enjoy the occasional long drive. Like most other things, however, it’s the fact that everyone else is allowed to do it that ruins the experience. It doesn’t matter if you’re a good driver anymore because there are just so many god damn people on the road that for every truly proficient driver you come across there’s at least 11 to 1,035 shitty drivers trying to fuck their way through an immovable line of cars. This is before you even get to all of the distractions- the radio, your dumb fucking friend texted you, you’ve been tweeted, you’ve got an instagram like, your GPS doesn’t know where the fuck you are right now, you ate too much Taco Bell and have to take a violent shit, your car’s talking to you, your car stopped talking to you, your boyfriend might be with another chick (for the record he is Sandy), your mom might be with another chick, that 18 you just picked up is staring you in the face and you got the shakes- I could go on and on. Point is everyone’s got too much shit going on to focus on getting where they have to to take care of whatever their shit is. Something must be done.
Ah ha! Flying cars! Oh shit, they don’t fly? Just drive themselves. Alright, alright, I can deal. Quick, here’s why we need them:
- Drinking and driving: had a few too many beers? Fuck of course you have, and now you’re in no condition to drive and you really don’t want to stay at this skeezy fat-shit guy’s house because lets face it, you have low self-esteem and will absolutely offer sex for roof (or at the very least gob on some knob). You won’t put it that way and you can tell yourself it was cold and he’s just warm and has the nicest eyes but we all know it’s true. Now if you’re at the pub late or just decided to get smashed alone and want pizza from the one spot that doesn’t deliver you’d be in luck. Except the fucking government will probably make it so that you still can’t be drunk even though the fucking thing drives itself. Assholes. But eventually this will be great.
- Less shitty commutes- what’s the worst part about a long commute? If you didn’t say “everything” then get in your car and crash it before it takes your ability to do that away. That was harsh, but in reality actually having to drive to whatever it is you do can be pretty shitty, and mostly because you have to do it. And mostly because you get crushed by traffic. What if you could nap on the way to work? Read on the way to school? Masturbate on the way to grandma’s? The possibilities are endless and we’ll never know how much more useless shit we could get done during a commute if we never get these cars. Actually it matters less what you can do and more what you don’t have to do, so I guess disregard.
- Easy trips- what’s the hardest part about a trip? Getting there. Getting there, and I guess paying for it. Oh so many dicks sucked just to get to AC for a weekend. Another time. Imagine you’re on a little vacay, let’s say around eight hours away. You suck so you couldn’t fly, just so we can get that out of the way. How awesome would it be to hop in your car, set your destination for home and wake up in your garage the next day? Of course if the car doesn’t know how to shut itself off then you’d wake up dead, but not in a bed. This could lead to many accidental suicides (autocides? coining it now) so they should probably figure that shit out. Assuming you don’t die, that’d be the tits. “Oh no I’m so far away from home but so sleepy, what ever can I do?” “Self-driving car’s got you covered homie, why don’t you enjoy a wonderfully refreshing sleep while I get us back to our domicile.” Fuck yeah, and of course you could teach it to call you homie.
- You probably wouldn’t even need to own one- why would you even need one. Without the need for drivers you could easily have a fleet of these things, coming and going, picking people up and taking them where they need to go, quickly and efficiently. When these things come out there’s no reason why you couldn’t order one on your phone and get picked up and taken wherever you have to go.
- No Traffic- there wouldn’t be any traffic considering every car would know where every other car is. Commute that used to take an hour? How does 20 minutes sound to you? Better? Good boy.
I could probably go on and on about the benefits but unfortunately the shitty realities of the real world will probably keep our good ol’ self-drivers off the road for years longer than they need to be. They’ll have to test and test and test and then some dumb group for driver’s rights is going to come together to try to “keep drivers in the vehicles, not the internets” or some shit. “It’ll take away jobs!” Fuck that, nobody’s going to be able to get a job in 20 years anyway, might as well start somewhere that makes sense. We’re cool with computers dealing with our money, controlling our nukes, making our food, diagnosing our diseases, and even commanding our X-wings but driving is where the line might get drawn? Fuck we don’t even need people to kill the people we don’t like anymore. Alright, I’m done. This is a good idea, and if you don’t agree then find this in however many years when we have these things so I can tell you you were wrong and to fuck off.
Enjoy your commute,