November is the only month in the year where men are encouraged not to shave or to grow mustaches only pedophiles would be proud of. The beards I can handle, some guys look damn sexy with a full face of scruff, but let the mustaches stay in the 90s where they belong. I’m fairly confident everyone’s dad sported a once sexy mustache and then realized they did nothing for their face but catch food to snack on for later.
Men have the luxury of not having to shave for an entire month. Ladies, could you imagine? What would life be like if we were allowed to forgo shaving what we normally shave for a full 31 days. I’m pretty sure I just described reoccurring nightmares for a lot of men. Picture it, our legs would be braidable, our mustaches would resemble our eyebrows and our vaginas would be completely hidden behind a sea of unkempt hair. Shower time would be cut in half. All we’d have to do is wash our hair and bodies and we are suddenly given the gift of time to spend on choosing our outfit. Sure, we’d have to put a pause on skirts, dresses, being naked, but it’d be worth it.
You know why no shave November for women is such a taboo concept? Because women on television who have been trapped on an island for weeks fail to grow any body hair at all. Why yes, I’m specifically referring to LOST. You’re going to tell me that they’ve been on the island for weeks and Kate can still scamper around in her underwear because her wax is holding up and her legs have allopecia? I don’t think so. There is also no way that none of the women began to sport unibrows toward the end. Unless they created tweezers from a tiny pointy stick, I’m calling bullshit. Do the women on survivor grow body hair? There should be a more realistic portrayal of the human body on castaway shows. At least Hurley got diarrhea from eating too much fruit. But why’d it have to be Hurley? Why couldn’t Shannon have had the runs. Girls get the shits too. Sorry, but we eat food. It has to go somewhere. And if we have too much water in our stool, guess what happens…
Now that you know girls poop, let’s enlighten you on other bodily functions of women. We grow hair. Lots of hair. Well, I do. Damn you Eastern European heritage. I’m about as hairy as Americans come. Isn’t that a nice thought? In college I was urged to shave my arms because they resemble a shag carpet. Sorry, but if a guy is turned off by my arm hair then he’s gonna be turned off by pretty much everything that has to do with my body. Man, I’m really talking myself up.
Anyway, I think we ladies should participate in no shave November. I already am. But it’s because I’m lazy and single and only wear sweat pants when I work out. I was going to apologize to the doctor the other day for my overgrown calves with those exact reasons, but opted not to since he’s probably seen worse. Men shouldn’t be allowed to have all the not shaving fun. Why should they be the only ones to save on shaving cream and razors for an entire month? Why won’t anyone compliment us on our wonderfully grown beards? Why can’t we instagram pics of our lush mustaches?
Consider it ladies. No Shave November 2014. Let’s make it happen. We’ll deter any potential prospects if we haven’t already. It’ll be great, especially for single women.
Shave on (for now),