NEW YORK- In a troubling development for naive optimists everywhere, a report released today by the Midwestern Veterans Institute at the College of Wooster revealed that children of individuals serving in the armed forces are no longer surprised by the unannounced return of their parents from overseas. “They bring you out onto the fifty-yard line of the Georgia Dome during half-time of a huge game that nobody else in the stands is a part of, so what else am I supposed to think? We’re not playing in the game and we know our dads are out there fighting the taliban or whatever, so you kinda (sic) already know whats gonna (sic again) happen,” said Katy Lores, 11, whose father has been serving in Afghanistan since 2007. “It’s not that we aren’t happy to see our dads come back, it’s just that the whole thing seems pretty played out to me,” she added.
Katy isn’t the only child with a soldier-parent that feels this way, according to the report. A whopping 83% of the children surveyed said that they would rather their parent return during a Tuesday night dinner, since Tuesdays are apparently “the most normal of the days.” Kram was able to speak with Dr. Eli Soulpta, the coordinator of the study detailed in today’s report, for a possible explanation for these findings. “I’m not going to lie, these results really threw me for a loop,” the doctor admitted, before adding “these wars have been going on for a long time, longer than many of these children’s lives even. I guess the whole ‘surprise your kids on the field of an important sports match-up’ thing just doesn’t pack the same surprise as it used to.”
Kram decided to catch up with a few more children of soldiers to find a more complete explanation. One source, an eight-year-old boy from the Detroit area who asked to remain nameless due to recent threats from an anti-soldier rival gang, confirmed the findings of this report. “These wars are so safe now. Who’s really gettin’ killed over there? I’ve had more of my n***** die in a week than soljas (sic) who’ve been killed in Afghanistan in the past two years. Hell I’ve killed more mothaf***** today than probably died there in the past six months, so when they bring me to the endzone for that Lions game last month I’m all like ‘this shit again?'” “They gotta find some new shit to surprise kids,” he added, before fleeing from a suspected rival gang member.
Organizations that specialize in coordinating these surprise big-game homecomings have gone back to the drawing board in the wake of these findings, with many sources vowing to “beef up the surprises for these brave children.” An anonymous coordinator of these events said that his organization is looking to turn the surprise-homecoming industry on its head, adding “if these kids want a real surprise, well then by heck we’re going to give them one.” His organization is seriously considering mixing some live homecomings with some dead ones. “We think that the surprise factor can be increased exponentially if some of these kids parents are rolled onto the field in coffins. If these kids all know that their parents are returning to them during these sporting events then surely some of their parents being dead will be more shocking to these kids,” he added, but admitted that more market research might be necessary before a plan is put in place.
Other sources have placed the blame on more typical scapegoats, like the internet, the media, and as one source said but provided no explanation for, the Jews. “My daughter saw all of these surprise things on Youtube and they’re reported every day in the news, so by the time it was my turn for the surprise, well, I guess you could say the whole thing fell a little flat,” said Scott Samson, a naval officer who has been stationed overseas since 2011 and who received little applause upon his return home. “Lets face it, all the early Afghanistan guys and Iraq guys stole our thunder. My kids have seen dozens of these videos on the damn internet, I just wanted my return to be a god damn surprise! I wouldn’t have even joined to fight in these stupid wars if I knew this would happen,” Samson added before going off on an anti-government rant that we stopped listening to.
Other findings contained in the report indicated that children were most surprised by the return of a parent when said parent left the house claiming to buy cigarettes and scratch-off tickets at a time greater-than or equal to 7.25 years ago and that 92% of children would be happy to have a parent return home from overseas whom they believed already died in war. ·