Thank you, ‘Merica, for granting us the many liberties we take advantage of every day. The most overused and annoying is the freedom of speech.
Why Toby, you’re exercising that right at this very moment, how can you dislike it so?
Well, I’ll tell you. I don’t feel that I abuse it. Of course people are going to disagree with me here, but there’s a line that I haven’t crossed yet, an imaginary line that divides the expressive freedom of speech with the obnoxious freedom of speech. Initially, posts like these occurred on Facebook, but now they’re flooding Instagram as well. They’re even worse on Instagram because they’re accompanied by about twenty different hashtags because the person is fishing for likes anywhere they can get them. #like4like. #likemeplease #illblowyouifyoulikethis. Yeah…you’re not desperate at all…You’re just a jackass.
So here are my top 5 Jackasses of Social Media:
Haven’t we seen enough pictures of you from different angles in different lighting with different hairstyles to satisfy the craze yet? Do you only pose with your lips smushed together because they’re officially frozen in that position due to the immense amount of pictures taken over your social media lifetime? This goes for men and women. Women get the brunt of the selfie hate but trust me, I’ve seen plenty of guys who love their face just as much. You can take a pic of yourself and caption “Nice day today!” but that provides no evidence suggesting the weather is in fact “nice” since your face takes up the entire screen. Listen, no matter how lovely you look, I feel like everyone can agree we’d rather see a million pictures of your dog licking his balls than one more of your face tilted down while you stare at nothing just above the camera.
One of my favorites. This is directed toward men who love, love, LOVE using ecards or memes to express their degrading view of women. Let me tell you, these are hilarious! Ha, I love reading how useless and dumb women are. It makes me all tingly inside. Not only that, but then there’s captions that describe how awesome men are. Don’t kid yourselves, guys. If all your posts incorporate sex in some way, don’t be surprised when you’re not getting any. You’re either bragging about how much sex you’re having or compensating for how much you have to masturbate. No self-respecting girl is going to see that on Insta or FB and think “Damn, that guy seems just as awesome and sexually experienced as his posts suggest and he totally respects women!” And you wonder why you’re single?
Wow, I’m sooooo happy for you and all your accomplishments! Not. This may be the cynic in me rearing her ugly distorted head, but how can I genuinely be happy for you when something significant happens when you’re constantly bragging about something? There are people on social media that responsibly share their accomplishments that warrant congratulations. Hey, you got that promotion – great! You just got engaged – I’m 70/30 happy for you! You just got an A on your paper? Cool, keep that to yourself. That was a big one in college. Now, as an adult, I can’t really think of the equivalent to that, but if you can, tell me so we can be annoyed at it together.
In certain situations updates can be helpful, such as if its snowing and you are somewhere underground and need to know the weather conditions, or if you’re not a sports fan but love seeing updates about various games being played at that very moment. I appreciate updates. I do not appreciate constant updates where instead of an “update” it transforms into play-by-play so you are living vicariously through that person. Specifically, I dislike baby updates. They make me incredibly nervous. You post updates about your kid getting sick…your kids been sick for days…WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENS AND THE KID DOESN’T GET BETTER?!? Do you really want that on social media?? Keep some of those updates private! Tell me when you’re pregnant but let me forget for a bit. As a worrier I’m constantly in fear something bad will happen, so will you let me relax and stop being so overzealous with the statuses. Sometimes it’s better for people not to know.
Come on, you know this person. Everything they post ignites some fire inside you that explodes with disgust. As you read whatever they post your face immediately molds into a deeply disapproving frown. You solely follow this person to see what idiotic thing they’ll say next. Perhaps you even share that post with friends because you are still in disbelief that someone would freely decide to associate themselves with that. This is the person that has to post ecards and memes that address how offended their followers get to excuse them of their offensiveness. Cool. I find this offensive because my pair of testicles isn’t as big as yours. I find this offensive because I’m a woman. I find this offensive because I have no sense of humor. No, no, no. I find this offensive because it is. It’s simple. And now, by association, you’re offensive. Congratulations.
Um, yes, I will still follow you until you post something so outrageous that it no longer becomes fun.
You may find yourself guilty of at least one of the five, but that’s okay. As long as you’re not a repeat offender (like, every day) I forgive you. I’m not completely innocent. I’ve abused social media before, not often though, because I choose to be a hypocrite in other aspects of my life.
Stay classy my friends,