The Perfect Christmas Gift

Hope you’ve been checking your Christmas countdown! The most festive holiday in the entire universe is in one week! Can you feel the excitement in the air?? I can! And I don’t even celebrate it! Fortunately, I only buy a few people gifts for Christmas. I don’t have to worry about filling all of the space underneath a tree. I can only imagine how difficult it is to buy multiple presents for multiple people that are actually good presents. If you’re still missing gifts for a few people, I’ve got a solution for you!

That’s right, it’s a fake parakeet! Has there ever been a gift you’ve wanted more? …probably. But this one is pretty solid. I mean, who wouldn’t want a pet that you don’t have to take care of? Psh, if only pets could be more like robots. That’d be wild. As long as the end game isn’t like “I, Robot” we’ll be okay.

Think about it. It’s a toy that does everything a real bird does, (make noise, bob its head and shake its tail – Wowie!) without the cost or formation of any real relationship! And it makes all the sounds a bird does but has an off button! I bet those are two things you sometimes wish you could have in a significant other: no cost and an off switch. Amen!

Pretty sure I’d be excited if there was some creepy life-like bird in a box that repeats the same sound over and over and appears to spasm uncontrollably waiting for me Christmas morning. It’d sit on my finger all day long just because it can and there’d never be the fear that it’d poop on me! That’s half the reason my real parakeet wasn’t allowed out of his cage. That, and he was an asshole. If he was fake then he’d have never died. Perfect Polly is immortal! She’s a lifelong friend for not only you but also other pets in your house! Even other real live birds can’t tell that she’s actually an inanimate object! She’ll even have deep, meaningful conversations with your dog while you’re out of the house. Perfect Polly can speak dog!

Are you parenting a child whose in the running for laziest animal lover? Why not try a pet that requires zero effort? It’s genius! Maybe your kid is also extremely lonely and looking for a companion. Look no further, little Johnny, Perfect Polly will provide you with enough stimulation to keep you from drugs and alcohol…hopefully. She’s not a miracle worker. Little Johnny may need a little more TLC than that.

Perfect Polly is the perfect gift! At just $14.99 (+shipping and handling) it’ll be one of the cheapest presents under the tree! I know that if I celebrated Christmas that’s what I’d ask Santa for. I wonder if Santa can make Perfect other animals, like a Perfect Tiger or Perfect Dolphin – no maintenance required. My idea! I call it!

Merry Christmas..er…Happy Holidays!

Toby

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