I’ll take some time off talking about the ever important topic of gender and how the two relate to each other to bring you something even more important. You might want to sit down for this one, although I’m not sure what demographic would be reading this standing up. I guess if reading comedy blogs while standing is your thing then take a seat, because this one’s going to hurt.
Taco Bell, your friendly neighborhood fast-food mexican (I’m not sure it even really qualifies, just go with it) establishment has discontinued the use of its lava sauce. Let me spell this out big in case you don’t get it:
Taco Bell got rid of Lava Sauce!!!!
Now if this isn’t the biggest travesty you’ll hear about all week then I’m not sure what kind of horrible world you might live in. Normally at this part I might bring the uninitiated up to speed but I’ll do no such thing this time around. If you’re one of the few to have never tasted lava sauce then I’m afraid you’re forever shit out of luck. Lava sauce is truth. For those of you who have had it but don’t remember, lava sauce was the delectable condiment that came on the. . . Volcano Taco. I’m sure you could have figured it out if you took a half-second, but alas, the sauce is no more. I was informed by my local Taco Bell’s semi-friendly drive through guy just yesterday that lava was no more.
So what? If this thought crossed your mind you thank the gods right now that I didn’t have one last spoonful of lava, because I would have squirted it right in your eyes. Or maybe just one eye so I could still taste some. And that shit hurts. I know, because it’s spicy, so nature tells us it hurts in our orifices.
Oh yeah, why this matters. Don’t you see? All of our favorite fast-food items that we hold so near and dear to us are being taken away quicker than our rights as people (gee, thanks Obama). Remember the Big Taste Taco? How about the Chicken Club Chulupa? What about the Spicy Chicken Burrito? All delicious items, forever lost in the annals of history. And that’s at just one establishment. Remember Wendy’s Pita sandwiches? The Big N’ Tasty at McDonald’s? How about Burger King’s Chicken Fries? All have sadly gone the way of the dodo, some longer ago than others.
More than them getting rid of the lava, I just wish there would have been some notice. You can bet your ass that if there was some kind of liquidation (heh) of this shit that people would have bought it right up. I think we would have had a panic on our hands and a spoon of this shit would have been more valuable than Bitcoin (that shit’s still expensive right? I never know anymore). I had plans already orchestrated to steal a drum of that shit Breaking Bad style but alas, again, we were given no notice and the last volcano tacos were sold to unsuspecting patrons without so much as a whimper into the night.
The point in all of this is maybe none of the things I just mentioned were staples for you at their respective establishments, but (assuming you eat fast food at least once in awhile) something has to be right? There has to be that one item you pretty much always get at a particular place right? If you’re that kind of dick that just eats Big Macs or soft tacos and you’re nodding your head relishing in my plight then go fuck yourself, Big Macs aren’t even that big anymore and I’m clearly not bitter over my semi-eclectic food choices.
I’ll wrap this up with a small plea. If you did love lava sauce, or any particular item that has been recently taken away (sorry, but I don’t think we’re getting those McSalad Shakers back, even though they were fuckin’ sweet) then fight for it. If you’re not going to fight then at least have a moment of silence for the stuff, it worked hard to burn our collective colons. Anyway the guy yesterday told us to call corporate. They’re gonna wish they had some real lava by the time we storm that castle, amirite?? (Shhh, sleep now)
p.s. Apparently they still have Volcano Nachos. What kind of horseshit is that? You can’t sell an item without the titular component. OH hey guys, yeah, we don’t have special sauce anymore but you can still get a Big Mac. Give me a break.