Yes, I’m addicted to wedding shows.
No, I’m not a wedding planner.
No, I’m not engaged.
No, I don’t have a boyfriend.
So sue me.
TLC has produced some quality television (Honey Boo Boo not included). The Learning Channel mainly helps me learn about what it’s like to shop for a wedding dress. According to TLC, there is only one place worthy of televising women’s wedding dress purchases and that’s Kleinfeld in NYC and Atlanta. With the help of impossibly friendly consultants and the ever gay eye of Randy, brides-to-be find their perfect wedding dress…or don’t. It’s a crap shoot. Not every bride leaves with a dress and that’s because they suck. I’m confident that if a bride does not walk out with their dress it’s because they didn’t watch enough TV and have no idea what they’re looking for or already had a dress and just wanted to be on TV. Those bitches.
Even though my day is disgustingly far in the future, I can at least dream about my wedding dress experience. And I do. Thanks to the hours of ‘Say Yes To The Dress’ I’ve been streaming on Netflix (damn, you!) I’ve actually been dreaming about shopping for my dress and getting proposed to. I’ve never tried on a dress in my dream (subconscious Toby is still superstitious) and was proposed to by Corey…yes, the Corey of Kram…I accepted the ring but later returned it. Sorry, no Kram wedding. The 20 minute commercial free show may repeat the same things at least twice every season, but I still find myself enjoying every episode as much as the next. It’s some kind of disease, an incurable one I hope.
If you’re going wedding dress shopping soon or share the same love for Keisha as I do, then here are some things I’ve learned from the show.
1. If you’re going to be interviewed and part of the show, dear Lord, please dress appropriately. I’m only in 2009, but some people were tragically dressed. Thank goodness they’re getting help with their wedding dress.
2. Everyone looks beautiful in wedding dresses. There is no such thing as an ugly bride. If you’re an ugly bride you’re doing it wrong.
3. Stick with your initial price point. Some people have wiggle room when it comes to budget, but for the most part we’re not millionaires. It’s sad when someone tries on a dress they love but it’s too expensive. You just want everyone at the appointment to give them hundreds of dollars to help. Sadly, family and friends are not that generous. Sometimes the consultants and managers can discount the dress but that only happens if you’re genuine.
4. Don’t be a bitch. No one wants to deal with that bride. The one that has an attitude and is obnoxious. Those brides don’t get discounts.
5. Opinions are helpful if you’re indecisive. Too many opinions will leave you flustered and frustrated. I just watched an episode where the mother and cousin were literally discouraging every dress because they claimed the bride looked fat in every one. Way to be supportive, assholes.
6. If your friends suck, don’t bring them. Choosing a wedding dress is a very important part of the wedding and should be shared with those closest to you. If those closest to you happen to be jealous best friends then I’d suggest leaving them at home to wallow in self pity. They’ll have more fun with Ben and Jerry than you.
7. Trust your consultants. I’d get so overwhelmed in a store with a stock of almost 2,000 dresses. Tell them your styles of choice and your set. Granted, I don’t know what it’s like anywhere else in the country. I’ve only seen this show. Kleinfeld is all I know.
8. Randy knows best. Period.
9. If you have another dress, stop shopping! You’re wasting everyone’s time. You are a pain in the ass. Go plan a different part of your wedding.
10. The consultants have an insane amount of black in their wardrobe and I wonder if they own any colors.
11. If someone else is buying your dress, discuss the budget prior to the appointment. It gets awkward when there’s no agreement and the bride goes over. It makes for great television though.
12. Fittings are usually a struggle between the bride and alterations but in the end it works out. Poor Vera. Woman takes so much nonsense from crazy brides just to see them smile. What a lady.
13. Sample sales seem like something everyone should experience. A bunch of crazed women racing to locate their perfect dress on a floor of hundreds of dresses – you just need enough of these and you have a sequel to ‘Survivor’.
14. I’ve narrowed my dress options down to everything but mermaid. At this rate I’ll have my style picked out by my wedding.
15. The consultants are great people with the job purpose to make brides happy. If anyone deserves to go to heaven, it’s these women. The shit they have to put up with makes them almost saint-worthy. Love them.
Have you ever had an actual experience at Kleinfeld? Puhleaseeeeeee let me hear about it!
Feel free to send pics of dresses you’ve said yes to! Currently obsessed with them. Nbd.
Happy weddings!
Toby
Kram Comedy Speaks 
I fucking love “Say Yes To The Dress.”