As ya’ll may or may not but probably should know, our esteemed colleague that goes by the name of Toby is moving to Boston this weekend. While we here at Kram (although I would never say I speak for everybody) wish her well we’re also all talking behind her back about how selfish she is being by moving.
I mean come on, how can someone be so selfish that they’re willing to take away one of the coolest known people in the 516 to a place as far away and unreachable as Boston?
What kind of person leaves all of their friends in the dust without the coolest girl they probably know?
What kind of friend goes to a new city without so much as a goodbye blowie?
What kind of person would abandon their civic duty to tend bar during Thursday night karaoke?
The answer to all of the above questions, if you haven’t figured out, is Toby.
Toby is leaving all of us little people behind to move on to bigger and better things, like chronic unemployment, cleaning up llama shit, and hanging with a super cool roommate. I get it, the draw of Boston can be quite alluring, with all of those Red Sox fans, Tom Brady sightings, and all of those early American landmarks. Actually Simon and I were talking about this the other night: what early American landmarks are really up in Boston? Paul Revere’s house? Thomas Jefferson’s babymama? Who knows, but I’m sure Tobes will have plenty of time to figure it out while she’s sitting on her couch (or at a bar) in Boston (seriously, you better figure this shit out). Like I’ve said, selling your, ahem, services is nothing to be ashamed of and can be quite lucrative if times call for it.
Anyway, I don’t have much else to say, except that you’re an awesome chick and an even cooler person. Although you’ll be leaving us all in the dust back here I really do wish you the best and hope Boston’s less shitty than I’m sure you expect it will be. Good luck with your prospective barmaiding (may the creeps be relatively few, but still some for good measure) and much love. Wait did I just get kind of real here? I definitely have something sarcastic or insincere to say right now right? Vulgar? Boobs? No, tits is more vulgar. Whatever man, whatever.
No, you’re a towel,