Super Bowl Review From A Girl That Doesn’t Watch Football

I hope the title was clear enough to explain what you’re about to read. Fact: I’m a girl. Fact: I don’t watch football and despite years of wanting to get involved with the sport I can just never get into it. That also applies to every other sport. Maybe one day there’ll be a team worth seriously caring about. It’s not like there aren’t options. Who’s gonna be that lucky guy to transform me into a raging sports fan? Any takers? …No? Okay then, guess I’ll just review the Super Bowl and try and trick a guy into dating me in my next post.

To be clear, I understand sports. This isn’t going to be a review by a total airhead girl that doesn’t know a touchdown is in football, a home run is in baseball and in basketball a basket is 2 points. I just don’t care enough to be immersed in football…or either of the teams. Man, you should have seen me when the Giants were in the Super Bowl. Talk about a crazy NY fan who knows nothing about any players besides Eli Manning.

First, can I just say that this Super Bowl was a complete joke? If not, I said it anyway. Come on, Broncos. That’s just embarrassing. Did you guys plan on putting up a fight? Was someone purposefully throwing the game because his family’s lives were at stake? Did Eli plant some voodoo magic on Peyton out of jealousy and spite for sucking so bad this season? My guess is that last one. Anyone get a Harry Potter flashback of Snape counter-cursing Quirrel in the stands during the quidditch match whenever they’d cut to Eli standing in the box behind the glass? Constant eye contact, didn’t blink…Hermione would so be on top of that. It was either that, or Eli sold his soul to the devil to see his brother fail. Peyton loses his chance for another ring and Eli loses his soul. Fair trade between brothers.

Eli’s also probably pissed that Peyton’s sad face is way less embarrassing than Eli’s sad face. Eli makes some ridiculous faces when he messes up. If there’s no other reason to watch the Giants play, it’s Eli’s facial expressions. Priceless.

Now on to the sad array of Super Bowl commercials since I have zero input on the players or the plays. Oh! Except for that killer full field touchdown. Dayummm the guy that did it has wheels! Aaaand I’m done.

I was utterly disappointed by the selection this year. Pretty sure I wasn’t blown away last year, but this year was definitely worse. You spend $20 million to air a commercial during the Super Bowl and you can’t even make it entertaining? Personally, I expect humor. ESPN has great commercials all year round (from the few times I’m not at home and a friend has it on – please, I watch Bravo). They’re just funny. That’s the promise for the Super Bowl. They broke that promise.

Yes, men primarily watch the Super Bowl. Yes, men drive cars. But does that mean every commercial break had to include at least one car commercial? Is there anything else to advertise? Didn’t seem like it. I couldn’t even tell you which car companies got their ads out. Well, I can only tell you four because those are the ones that I remember.
Chevy? – I think that was the commercial with the steer and the cowboy brings him to have sex with his herd of females. Right on.
Kia – That was ‘The Matrix’ themed commercial. I only remember it’s Kia because I drive one.
Maserati – Because it was the dumbest commercial all the way in the beginning that had a little girl drone on with a super boring monologue about a ridiculously expensive car that a majority of people can’t afford.
Jaguar – I wrote this one down to make sure it was included in the post. Tom Hiddleston and other famous English actors were a nice touch. No, I’m still not buying a Jaguar.

I was waiting for the funny commercials, of which (again) I only remember a few.
Bruce Willis and Fred Armisen – This was definitely a surprise. Clever yet so simple. Close-up of Bruce Willis saying things in a serious tone while the camera zooms out to show Fred Armisen clutching Bruce’s torso. Genius. No, I do not remember what they were advertising.
Ellen dancing – This is probably because anything Ellen does is awesome. But would I buy the product Verizon was selling? No. Because I have Pandora and Songza and an iPod. No I will not pay an extra $15 a month to add some music playing app that can match music to my location and mood. Anyone out there purchasing that? Let me know. You’re dumb.
Tim Tebow – Touche T-Mobile. I think it’s T-Mobile? Great way to advertise having no contract to football fans using a football player that isn’t signed. And you know what? Seeing Tim Tebow deliver a baby was awesome.
The Muppets – Again, I do not remember what they were advertising. But, come on, the Muppets AND Terry Cruz! Classic combination.
Doritos – Using children as tools of humor. Nice touch. Kids are hilarious. Especially ones that are clever enough to outsmart an idiot walking down the street eating a perfectly poofed bag of doritos. I preferred the time travel commercial to the girl riding the dog. What about you, internet?
Esurance with John Krasinski – I waited to walk my dog because I heard John Krasinski’s voice. Solid commercial. It’s John Krasinski! And he had guac on a pile of money!

For the commercials that received a lot of hype:
Dannon Oikos Full House Reunion: Too short! But hey, you can only buy so many seconds at millions of dollars. Kind of wanted to see the hot lady go down on Uncle Jesse. What a shame.
Budweiser Puppy and Horse: As usual, Budweiser delivered a heartfelt commercial that was a good use of air time. Golden retriever puppies are just so damn cute! Good thing they didn’t use an ugly puppy. Yes, just like ugly babies, they exist. No one wants to see an ugly puppy. Just like no one wants to see an ugly baby.

If anyone out there actually guessed the score to this game they either absolutely hate the Bronco’s but wanted to give them a half-hearted fighting chance or was extremely high when picking their score. A big thanks for screwing up my box, as well. I also didn’t win the raffle from my local bar. So basically this Super Bowl sucked. Seattle fans may disagree. Whatever. The Twilight Saga takes place in your state. Suck on that.

Blogging a few hours ago from a new location in Boston,


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