NEW YORK- A source close to the NFL has disclosed that there is a plan in place to hold a second championship game for America’s premiere football league in light of Seattle’s lopsided victory on Sunday. “We can’t lie, it was a pretty shitty game,” the source disclosed, adding “we know it was the most-watched Super Bowl ever but we hope everyone can just forget how terrible it was if we essentially have a do-over.”
Some have speculated that this development is part of some big conspiracy to get Peyton Manning his second victory in the big game. Daniel Lapther, a contributor at Americansportconspiracies.com, believes that this is the actual reason for the planned do-over. “The league f*cking loves this Peyton Manning guy. What have we been forced to listen to for the entire season? Peyton this, Peyton that, he’s so awesome, best quarterback ever, blah blah. He was destined to win this year’s championship before week 2 even started and now the league looks dumb that he didn’t, so they want to brainwash us all and rewrite history,” Lapther told us, during a lengthy interview that included topics like “Alex Rodriguez is a lizard person” and “the Brooklyn Nets are being used to launder money to fund the Russian nuclear program.”
Our source from the league vehemently denied this claim, calling it “outlandish, baseless, and preposterous,” adding “we want to do it over so we can deliver the people a better game. Let’s face it, even the commercials sucked so the people that only watch for those were hugely disappointed as well.” When asked what would happen if the Broncos lost again, the source added “look, I’d be lying if I said we wouldn’t be upset with another blowout, but whatever happens in the do over game happens and we’ll stick by it. Three Super Bowls would probably be too expensive anyway, even for us.” When asked if he’d like to comment on this, Lapther only had “methinks he doth protest too much” to add before being called away to investigate reports of people claiming that Kevin Durant actually came to take their loved ones to the great beyond.
We caught up with some Seattle Seahawks fans to see what their thoughts were on this development and as expected, many were angry that the league would stoop so low in an effort to strip their beloved city of their first professional championship in decades. “Yeah, it was a blowout, so what?” one unidentified male fan asked. “Their guy didn’t win, is that it? We’re always the forgotten city. We lost our basketball team who’s now awesome, nobody likes grunge anymore outside of here, and they’re even closing Starbucks around the country. Just let us have this one thing,” he added.
It looks like some Seattle players have gotten wind of the league’s plan, with many electing to jump ship in order to avoid the situation. Yesterday it was reported that quarterback Russel Wilson is planning to attend spring training in Texas with the Rangers, a baseball team. Although he indicated that he would not be leaving football, this move has made many on his team and throughout the league question his motivations. “I think he’s gone, I know I’m gonna be if they decide to pull this shit. We won fair and square so if they take it away or make us play again there’s gonna be hell to pay” an anonymous member of the team disclosed.
We went back to our source one more time to see if there was anything he wanted to add or clarify about this situation. “We just want everyone to forget about this whole thing. Hopefully once we get the second game in the books and erase the records of the first one the world will slowly forget how bad the first game was. Eventually history will reflect our wishes,” to which we slowly inched out of the room while being ominously grinned at.
Whatever the league decides to do, the current champions are still the Seattle Seahawks until Kram is told otherwise.·