A Few Things for Single People to do on Valentine’s Day

If you’re one of those rare people who are actually in a happy and satisfying relationship then you might be looking forward to a certain romantic holiday coming up towards the end of the week. All you lovebirds out there know this day as Valentine’s Day but since I don’t fall into the category that I described in the first sentence I simply know it as “Friday.”

But hey, just because you don’t have anyone to spend this highest of holidays with doesn’t mean you need to be bitter about it! There’s no reason at all to feel badly about your impending loneliness and the fact that nobody loves you. I mean, where would we be if every single loser decided to just pack it in? Who knows where but I’m sure we’d have a lot less fake “my boo caught me sleeping and decided to snap a pic” photos on the internet, and who doesn’t love the cringeworthiness of those?

Instead of a night full of self-pity, ordering a huge take-out dinner and asking for two forks so you don’t look like the loser you are, three pints of Ben and Jerry’s, and a self-deprecating masturbatory session to cap it all off, here are a few things you should do instead:

"Don't worry, I'm definitely not giving you your nuts back!"

“Don’t worry, I’m definitely not giving you your nuts back!”

  1. Go out!- Assuming every single person doesn’t go with the scenario I described above, there should be a plethora of single guys and gals out on the town. What better way to rid yourself of the “singles blues” than by going to a packed club or bar and drowning your sorrows with a couple dozen fireball shots (when did those become so popular anyway?). Logic would tell you that all of the coupled people should be busy eating nice fancy dinners and then going home to make sex so the only people that are left are the single people in bars drinking fancy drinks and trying to get someone home to make sex, so take advantage.
  2. Catch up with a friend- Have that friend you haven’t seen in awhile and keep saying you need to catch up with them despite the fact that neither of you have made the effort to try to get something going? Assuming they don’t already have that special someone they’re probably not going to be busy so you should see what they’re doing. Even if they’re busy at least you can pat yourself on the back for being the bigger person.
  3. Get a hooker- Oh, um, I mean escort. Why not? Any chick you know could open up her contacts list, text a dude to come over, and he’s probably there before you can say “shit, where are those condoms I bought a year ago?” so why shouldn’t a dude be able to do the same? Granted you have to pay for that kind of action, but that’s a mere quibble. If you’re feeling lonely, just go for it. You probably won’t be disappointed or feel dirty at all.
  4. Ask them out- have that special person in your life that you’ve been too big of a pussy to express your interest in? Go for it.  Chances are they don’t like you and will say no, but you’ll sure feel better about it.  There’s definitely no way expressing your feelings can go wrong and even less of a chance of it going disastrously. Better the reject with balls than the pussy with no balls.  Pussies don’t have balls? Fine, you come up with a better analogy.
  5. Stay in and watch Netflix- fine, fine, you don’t like any of my suggestions and you just want to stay in and make a mockery of yourself (looking at you Toby). Whatever, I get it. Some people just don’t want to better themselves. I guess just go ahead and load up the Netflix queue and binge-watch whatever show you just started and can’t be without.  But no Ben and Jerry’s. And for god’s sake if you’re going to eat just make something.  And don’t masturbate.  Fine, just do it, but don’t do it out of self-pity.

I just gave you so many great ideas, you’re lucky I don’t charge. I guess whatever you end up doing this Friday, make sure to wear a condom, even if you don’t plan on having sex.

something something love and affection,

Corey Aaron

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