5 Thing Long Islanders Can’t Handle

As a native Long Islander, I know how soft we are. We definitely won’t admit it, but we are. We cherish the convenience of Long Island. Speaking from first hand experience, I loathed having to drive over an hour and a half to get to the nearest city. My definition of city? A town that had Wal-mart. Thanks, South Dakota. After living in the boonies, I appreciated LI a whole lot more. We’ve got a relatively cushy life on Strong Island. That’s the reason we can’t handle little hiccups in life, such as these:

5. Being too far from a Chipotle.
True story: My friend literally said she couldn’t live in a town 30 minutes from a Chipotle. That’s how much Chipotle means to people. Long Islanders especially. Want to eat somewhere but can’t agree? Chipotle! Yeah, you get that giant burrito the size of a newborn baby. You look super attractive stuffing in your face. You must be good at blowies the way you get your whole mouth around it. How about a salad bowl to feel even healthier by sneaking in that lettuce? Don’t forget to top it off with guac. Yes, you know it’s extra. Put it on in spite of that.

4. Someone stating that anywhere is better than NYC/LI.
Woh, woh, woh…Did you just insult the birth place of the great Walt Whitman, Billy Crystal and Jerry Seinfeld? You know NYC has everything, right? Where else can you find twelve Starbucks and McDonald’s in a five block radius? We have Broadway, Times Square, Freedom Tower, Brooklyn, Montauk, The Hamptons, MSG, the naked cowboy, rats in our subway…need I go on? You shut your mouth when you’re talking to me! Never speak ill of NYC or Long Island! Never!

Even though we all hate it just as much as you do.

3. Going to the gym without taking a selfie.
Are you one of those people that goes to the gym and stands directly in front of the mirror to do  your work out so you can stare at yourself for 15-30 minutes straight? I do. Extra motivation. No shame in that. What there is shame in is whipping out your camera, making a pose and snapping a little pic to post on instagram or FB to show the internet you’re at the gym. The internet doesn’t care. The people on the internet don’t care. Oh so very many pictures of people flexing. Long Islanders, I challenge you to leave your phone at home or in the car or in a locker. Focus on maintaining that beach bod you strive to have all year but can’t because you frequent Chipotle a little too much.

2. Traffic.
Dear Lord. If there is one thing that makes me a true Long Islander it’s the ungodly hatred I have for traffic of any kind. The LIE, Northern State, Meadowbrook, Southern State, Old Country Road…I can’t. During rush hour, I can’t. There is nothing worse than sitting in traffic when you’re only 5 minutes from your place of work but it takes 40 minutes to get there. Yeah, true story. Damn you, Long Island. How about the most recent snow storm? People purposefully left work early to avoid the snow and essentially created grid lock from the mass amount of cars on the road. Good trick, world. That turned everyone’s commute into a few hours. Woo! We just cannot handle traffic. It’s part of our lives, ingrained in us as the norm.  I promise you, this is the reason we come off as angry, miserable people. It’s because traffic kills a piece of our soul every day.

1. Snow in the winter. 
As many of you know, whether through the news, the internet, or the ever faithful Facebook status, New York got hit with an unusual amount of snow this winter. That’s not to say other parts of the country didn’t get hit hard either, I’m just saying that New Yorkers, specifically Long Islanders, love to complain about the perfectly normal weather during the correct season. We can all agree that having 6 more weeks of winter wants us to hunt the groundhog down and skin him alive, This particular winter has been rough, but it’s W-I-N-T-E-R. It’s supposed to snow and be cold and make us want to cry. We’re just not tough enough to see that it’s just snow. Ask anyone from upstate New York how they handle snow and they’ll tell you. They freaking handle it. Psh, blizzard? More like a dusting. God’s just brushing the dandruff off his shouldazz (okay, no one says that…). Of course the weather makes commuting a million times more difficult, but either nut up or shut up. If you’re nervous, don’t drive. Get snow tires. Prepare. We survived Sandy, LI, we can handle winter.

Good story, bro!

Toby

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7 thoughts on “5 Thing Long Islanders Can’t Handle

  1. Pingback: How Can I Follow Up a Post About Long Islanders? | Kram Comedy Speaks

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