Thanks to unemployment and the hatred of being productive, I recently began the series “Game of Thrones”. I’ve heard great things about it, but never gave it a chance. I’d always said, “When I’m pregnant I’ll watch it”. Yes, I plan on doing a lot of Netflix watching and book reading while I’m pregnant. Yes, I’ve planned out what I want to do when I’m pregnant. No, I’m not pregnant.
A word of caution to this tale, if Hercules should fight, you will fail. Okay, sorry, I love that quote. But seriously, I’m warning you that this show is highly addicting. It starts slow, but once you get a handle on who sucks and who doesn’t it’s easy to follow the story lines. Mostly everyone sucks, but all in their different ways.
While I was watching, I was wondering what life would be like if we could do the things they do. What would life be like now if we wielded swords, had dragons and direwolves and did basically whatever we wanted to do.
1. We could carry around weapons at our leisure.
Unlicensed weapons would be a thing of the past, or er…future? You just buy, make or steal a sword and it’s yours. None of this gun nonsense, either. If you want to fight, you’re going to have to fight all up in each other’s business.
2. If there’s a fight, someone is probably going to die…
Yeah, the downside of sword fighting is that generally if it’s real you fight to the death. In practice you yield to the victor, but in battle you’re going to get stabbed somewhere unpleasant and lose a lot of blood. It’s almost inevitable.
3. Betrayal ends in death more often than not.
Spoilers! Treason ends in death. Desertion is punishable by death. Theon’s betrayal ends in death. Lord Baelish’s betrayal ends in death. I’m sure there’s more betrayal in there that probably ends in death. Really, death is a big contributing factor to this realm.
4. Men would be the dominant sex…again.
Hooray! There you go men. You can own things and women really can’t. Women would have to give up their power to men! Queens have to support their King even if he’s wrong. Like, Joffrey wrong. And that’s as wrong as they come. Trust me.
5. Brothels would be a common occurrence.
Need a way to unwind fellas? Go to your nearest whorehouse to release your poison. It’s cool. Just pay for the lady’s services and you can be on your way. The ladies are trained to cater to your needs. It’s a win/win…unless you’re a prostitute.
6. It’s cool to just chop someone’s body part off without consequence.
Spoiler! But it happens. And it’s a normal form of punishment. And it’s permanent. Body parts don’t just grow back…in case you thought they did.
7. With enough power you could proclaim yourself King.
Anyone that owns enough land and has enough followers can make themselves King. Their title goes from my Lord to your Grace. But you’re not technically King unless you sit on the Iron Throne. The actual throne. But hey, might as well milk it while it lasts.
8. The only way to overthrow the ruler would be to declare war, and fight it.
Unfortunately, you say you’re King, you have to prove it. There is no gentle way to take the throne. No House of Representatives or Senate to say “Sorry, King, you’re doing a bad job”. Can’t sign a petition to write the King out of office. You wanna be the new King, you gotta remove the present King. And now you’re playing the game…of thrones. Nailed it.
9. Rape would be normal.
That’s right, ladies, another plus! We’d get raped. A lot. By anyone. And we’d have to deal with it.
10. So many babies out of wedlock.
Teen pregnancy would probably sky rocket, along with pregnancy in general. Besides the fact that protected sex isn’t a real thing, there’s rape too. So many babies. And the word bastard gets thrown around willy-nilly. That might be fun, though.
11. Zombies would be a real and horrifying threat.
Soooo yeahhhhh. White walkers, huh? They say the only way to kill them is to burn them. Think our zombie knowledge of severe head trauma would suffice as well? These zombies are even worse because they come out in the winter! Our zombies freeze in the winter. Just add that to the pile of reasons that winter sucks.
12. Raven would be the main form of communication.
Send a raven with a note! How do they know where they’re going?? Do they have one raven for every castle? One raven for every person? What if the writer of the note has terrible handwriting? I’d miss texting…
13. Girl babies are used to make more girl babies while boy babies are sacrificed as peace offerings.
Girls are meant for procreation. Boys are meant to be soldiers. But if you’re going to give up some of your babies to dark magic, you’re going to give them boys. Boys can’t have more babies. In the scheme of things, boys are useless. Boom.
14. We could all have direwolves.
Oh hell yeah! Solid protection. Super obedient. Fluffy. Perfection.
15. Beheading would be a merciful way to go.
Think about it. This is the quickest way to die. See ya, head.Oh, and depending on why your head was removed, it may end up on a spike. Cool.
Once I finish season 3 and consult with my fellow ‘GoT’ lovers, perhaps I’ll come out with a version 2.0. Think of any additions for the next post? Maybe you’ll see your suggestions once it’s written…probably around the 4th season premiere. Just something else to look forward to in April. Because our Kram Comedy blog and Game of Thrones are on the same level.
PS don’t get attached to anyone. it’s not worth the tears.