In case you forgot, Taco Bell has gotten rid of my beloved lava sauce but don’t fret, they’re adding breakfast! Sporting new menu items like the “Waffle Taco,” which predictably consists of sausage and eggs in a folded waffle-pocket thing, an “A.M. Crunchwrap” and a breakfast burrito, Taco Bell is sure to satisfy your morning food desires.
Wait, really? I mean I may be biased since I’m not a big fan of fast-food breakfast offerings (if I’m picking up breakfast I’d much rather go to a deli for a nice bacon, egg and cheese sandwich or a bagel, since you were wondering) but who’s ever gone to their local Bell after a Friday night full of drinking and partying and thought “hey, you know what, I really wish this Taco Bell had some breakfast food for me to eat”?
Nobody. Nobody has ever had that thought. The only time you’re really thinking about Taco Bell is when you’re pretty drunk and craving some late night eats and you’re praying that someone is sober enough to be able to drive there so you can munch down on a quesadilla and Cheesy Gordita Crunch before passing out on your couch.
If you’re going to eat the Bell when does that meal usually take place? I’d say between midnight and 4am, maybe earlier if your Bells are dicks and have decided they aren’t going to stay open until 4 anymore like mine have. How sober are you generally? You’re probably at the very least a little high and at worst right on the verge where this meal might be in vain because you’ll probably puke it back up after minimal digestion. So I think it’s safe to say, and I’m going to generalize because it’s much more fun that way, that the bulk of Taco Bell patrons are late-night drunks and stoners who need their fourth meal fix. Not saying it’s bad, just that it’s definitely the reality.
What sane, self-preserving individual is going to wake up, brush their teeth, shower and all of that shit then head to work, pass by a Taco Bell and then consciously decide that this is how you want to start out your day? With Taco Bell. At 9 in the morning. Now I know a lot of people that have ended their days with some Bell but they sleep it off and then pay for it with horrible taco meat shits the next day. I don’t know anybody who’s sprung out of bed like “yeah I really think I need some Taco Bell right now, really jump start this day.” I guess if it’s your thing then go for it, then you can comment here about the nasty squirts that you got by noon after indulging on a morning crunchwrap.
Anyway, I haven’t mentioned it yet but if this bit of news has excited rather than disgusted you all you have to do is wait until March 27, since that’s when the breakfast is set to roll out. At least they gave you some time to prepare, so start stocking up on those rolaids and some pepto.
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