Sorry, Juan Pablo, The Public Hates You

This week ABC blessed us with not one two-hour episode of The Bachelor, but TWO two-hour episodes of The Bachelor. I was pretty excited once my roommate reminded me it was on.

El bachelor Juan Pablo met the ladies families and took them to the tropical island of St. Lucia. Three girls, one Venezuelan man. It’s a recipe for accents, making out any time their faces are within three feet of each other and horrible conversation. The second night of this fantastic program, the ladies each had a full day with JP and were given the option to stay in the same bedroom aka “The Fantasy Suite” or keep separate bedrooms. Obviously they all agreed. How prude do you want to seem on national television? Also, if you had the opportunity to sleep with the most boring guy in the world, wouldn’t you? I would. Yes, even JP, who’s a pig.

The first girl, Blonde #1 not Nikki, had the first night with him. They banged, obv. She was lucky she got to him first. Now all the other ladies are getting that leftover D. But they know that, right? Well, little miss Catholic Andi didn’t want truth-teller JP to tell her that. And ya know what, he shouldn’t have. But Andi, that’s a sign right there he doesn’t like you.

Andi decided that night in the “Nightmare” suite – as she coined it later – that JP was not the guy for her. Really, JP shouldn’t be the guy for any of these ladies. As she pointed out, Pabs knows nothing about her so how can he make an educated decision about choosing a girl to marry? Oh, that’s right, HE CAN’T! Listen up, ladies, in everything JP says, despite english not being his first language, he’s made it clear that he’s not looking for love, he’s looking for a woman that fits into his life and will take care of his kid. He hasn’t even pretended like he’s in love, except when he cried when he said goodbye to Renee, the single mother, who really liked him. He dumped her after meeting her son! “Hey little boy, your mommy and I are doing it, but I’m also doing it with other ladies, your mommy has you and that’s baggage. Bye.” Cool, JP.

Has anyone else noticed how creepy he is with little kids? That might be a foreign thing, but he’s big on touching kids and getting all up in their faces. Like those kids on the beach in St. Lucia where he gets them drinks and plays soccer with them? He and Andi just bombarded these kids with questions and a lack of personal space and then bribed them with sustenance. Easy, JP. Not everyone is won over so easily. Then he proceeded to play soccer with them. He’s a bit thick for a soccer player, no? Did not see the skills I expected. Now he has nothing.

If you really want to enjoy yourself and share in the loathing for JP, search his name on Twitter. The tweets about him are merciless and wonderful. I’m surprised that there are so many women in agreement on this, but hey, not every guy is worth defending.

A lot of people are saying that it’s difficult to truly learn about the other person while you’re on the show. I disagree. Simple communication can solve that, like “talking”. There are single dates and group dates. What gets discussed at these?? The problem is that Mr. Venezuela isn’t much of a talker, he’s more of a kisser to avoid talking, probably because it’s not his strong suit. Deep thinker, not so much.

His disinterest in getting to know the girls is a problem among men. I personally loathe going on a date with someone and listening to them talk about themselves. After forcing myself into OUR conversation, I drop hints for him to catch so he’ll ask me something. For example, “I do improv”. If his response is “cool”. I give up and realize there’s no hope. If his response is “What’s that like?” or “How long?” or “Have you met Drew Carey?” then maybe he was nervous and is a nervous talker. Gotta give the guy the benefit of the doubt.

Juan Pablo gets no such benefit. He doesn’t love either of the two remaining women and is either going to try and force this union or not have a union at all. These girls would both be considered lucky if they got out of this destined-to-fail marriage. Eventually they’ll figure out what Andi and Sharleen know. It’ll just take them longer because they’re blonde.

Don’t worry, I signed up to be on the next Bachelor. It’s time they had a funny girl. Amiright?

See you on television,

Toby

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