As you can read here and here, kram’s been on a bit of a sexuality kick over the past week or so but I’m here to say “hey, not so fast!” The thing about sex is that it’s predicated on you having someone to do it with. If you don’t then your sexual activity falls in the realm of “masturbation”, which although enjoyable, usually doesn’t leave you with that same feeling of satisfaction that you get from the genuine article. Actually it usually leaves you with sticky Kleenex, 35 buffering porn tabs, and an order for three fleshlights that you immediately cancel on Amazon. Like I said, all well and good, but eventually you’re going to forget and then be stuck with three fake vaginas.
In order to try to avoid situations such as this us humans will occasionally frequent places of fraternization in order to find a mate. Well, not necessarily a mate, but you know what I mean. If you find someone of the opposite gender who seems to dig you enough to let you put your penis in them/put their penis in you then rejoice, you did it!
But if you’re like me then the sentence above is a lot harder than it sounds and you find it supremely difficult to find a lady who wants to make sex with you, let alone stand you enough to chat for a few minutes in a bar.
So this brings me to my point: where the fuck do people go to meet other people?! Seriously, because I don’t know. Now I’ll admit, I’m not much of a clubber so maybe that puts me at an automatic disadvantage. It’s not that I don’t like clubs, just that I hate them. Besides the obvious things people hate about them, the setting plays to literally none of my strengths as a person or potential banger. No chicks have ever jumped me because of how I look and even less have because of my dance moves. There’s something about being a short overweight man that has the rhythm of a giraffe on a turnstile that really just congeals a woman’s vag juices. Seriously, after women see me they might as well have molasses down there. I’ve been told by a friend that after we hang out she has to watch four Brad Pitt movies and attach a car battery down there to make sure everything still works.
So as you can see I need to take a different approach. I’d like to tell you that my personality makes up for it but that would be a lie. I can, however, be charming when I want to be and despite my shortcomings I have to try to rely on conversation to try to warm them up to me. The only problem is I rarely even get to the point where a girl can hate me for my personality over my appearance.
It isn’t necessarily for lack of trying. I don’t really have a problem talking to people in general but when it comes to women it can get really discouraging. Look I get it, it must be tough to go out and constantly have every member of the opposite gender casting you in their personal mental porno, imagining how your naked body will look in their unmade bed and where they’re going to deposit their spunk after a night of drunken bliss. Actually that sounds pretty awesome, the fuck ya’ll complaining about? In all seriousness though I get it, who would want to talk to another random dude when you’re constantly being approached by random dude after random dude?
But there has to be a time and a place when you do. I don’t care if you need a harvest moon on the twenty-second night after a deep freeze where you’ve somehow consumed 11 oysters, there has to be some time when you’re looking to meet and chat with a fairly regular dude such as myself and the countless others out there.
I also find that most chicks around my age have boyfriends. Either that or most girls my age are dirty liars.
Or maybe it’s just me.
Do you have more success in this area? Do women (or men) actually want to talk to you? Do you go places where you meet people on the reg? Is there some secret I’m missing? We want to hear about it so share and comment! I’m sorry, that came across a little aggressive. But yeah insights are always appreciated.