Hello Kram Comedy readers! Kram is pleased to welcome Amanda as one of our guest writers! It’s time to enjoy the comedy of our friends as well!
My fellow Americans,
Is nobody else worried about where we are headed as a human race? Have any of you looked up from your cell phones long enough to observe the abysmal state of our society? No? Well go ahead and pause this round of Flappy Bird and let me fill you in on what’s been going on out there.
1) Meaningful face-to-face conversation has become a thing of the past. If you can’t get your
points across through text lingo and a few random emoticons, there’s really no hope for you. (I have to admit though; I am partial to the moon emoji who looks like a creepy uncle. I know you know which one I’m talking about.)
2) What is the obsession with Candy Crush? First of all, this game came out 10 years ago and it was called Bejeweled so you’re all suckers for buying into it. If I get one more ‘request’ for this game I’m going to snap. No I’m not giving you any lives for Candy Crush. Why don’t you use your 1 real life and try living it in the real world.
3) We constantly make people with no talent, famous. Who is Honey Boo Boo and why in God’s name is she famous for having a family that sits around all day eating mac and cheese and farting in sweatpants? For Christ’s sake something called ‘Grumpy Cat’ is out there making millions of dollars while I’m over here scraping together nickels and dimes to pay for my college textbooks, and you people made him famous.
4) People’s attention spans are depleting by the second. Can it please be a law that if you’re talking to someone and they look down to check their cell phone you’re allowed to punch them in the forehead? I was in a Starbucks recently and the barista wouldn’t take my order until she was finished with her text message. No sure I’ll hang back here and wait for my macchiato while you sext your boyfriend.
5) Girls, there’s a time and place for the kissy face, peace sign selfies, alright? Not at 8am during a midterm in class. (True story…I was so disgusted I actually felt light-headed). Everyone’s self-esteem these days is measured by how many ‘likes’ their selfies get on Instagram. Hashtag collarbones! Also, if you didn’t post a picture of your lunch on Instagram…did you really eat it? I’m convinced the only reason people go out to eat anymore is to snap a good picture for Instagram. Be honest guys, how many pictures of sushi do you have saved in your phones for a rainy day? Spicy tuna looks really good with a Kelvin filter, just a heads up.
Listen, were doomed. We are experiencing the “Zombification of America”. People slowly shuffling around with their necks craned down and faces in their phones, grunting and moaning. I advise everyone to wake up. Your smart phone is making you stupid. Go outside and get some fresh air.
P.S. I’m no scientist, but I’m almost positive that cell phones are giving you brain cancer anyway.