How To Not Be a Fool in April (or any other month)!

Kram’s holding a very special contest! The first 69 people to send us a picture of their boobs gets .77 Kramcoins®, which doesn’t sound like a lot but is currently trading for over $7.5 million per Kramcoin® on the Kram Exchange®.

Ha! Judging by all the boob pics flooding our inbox it looks like we got every single person on the planet! Take that, globalization. Seriously didn’t expect this kind of response but while we’re sorting through all of the beautiful bosoms to try to figure out who came first just sit tight! We’ll be sending your Kramcoin® via smoke signal so it might take awhile given the proclivity of the prevailing winds to go where you probably don’t live. But seriously, it’s on its way.

Did we get you? You totally fell for it right? I know, I know, the ®’s are really convincing. Don’t feel shame. You’re not the only one plus you’ve probably already sent naked pictures of yourself to someone else within the last week so why not send some to a guy promising to reward you with a fake online currency?

Yeah that was my thinly veiled attempt at an April Fools. Yeah? Well if you think it was such a shitty attempt then how about you try to pull a successful prank on the whole internet-world? Wait so you’re telling me that you actually got 7 million people to sign up for this shit? And it’s going to be more expensive than what they were paying for before? Touché Obama.

If you were able to pull of a nice prank please let us know. Kram is a place for comedy and above all bitches love pranks. But seriously, they’re fun and it’s great when you get someone to legitimately freak out. Although don’t tell me you clipped off a friend’s nut and exclaimed “April fools!!!” because that falls into the category of “extreme douchebagism” and I hope he finds a way to adequately get you back.

If you are the dude who just got his nut clipped in the name of April Fools or just the dude that everyone always messes with here are a few ways to make sure it doesn’t happen again (after all, you only got one nut left. Gotta be judicious with that shit):

1. Lighten Up- if your friends are always fucking with you it’s because either a) they don’t like you and may even legitimately hate your guts; or b) you’re easy to mess with and provide adequate satisfaction to the pranker. If you’re the former then I’m sorry, you probably suck as a person and should go die. After all, if more than four people think something they can never be wrong. Ever. If you fall in the second category then you have to lighten up and learn to laugh at yourself. That whole “people do shit to you because they get a rise out of you” thing is definitely somewhat true.  It’s much more fun to mess around with someone you know will get angry or freak out because we’re all terrible human beings and as long as it’s not us it’s okay.  Don’t give satisfaction.

2. Get Better at Pranks Yourself- so you’re always getting messed with and don’t know why? See above, but maybe, just maybe it’s because the evil bastards who drew dicks on your face know you won’t do anything back. Maybe you think you’re too nice but that’s not true, you’re mom told me so. Get fierce. Do something back. If you’re constantly getting shit on and don’t try to shit back then you’ll always be the only one with shit on their body. Simple physics my dear.

3. Go Nuclear- if all else fails then you might just have to go nuclear. And what I mean by that is that you have to retaliate to end all retaliations. Now I don’t mean that you should have your roommate’s car crushed at the junkyard with his girlfriend inside because he put Tang in the orange juice container. You have to use judgment here. Are you really being fucked with? Has it started to seriously affect your life? Do you fear for your sole remaining nut? It’s really irresponsible to go nuclear if these things aren’t true and can switch you from the lovable underdog to the hated douchemonster before you can say “Hiroshima.” I know what you’re saying, so boo you (and read this). If you successfully pull off a nuclear-level prank then that should get everyone off your back and you may even earn some respect (and certainly some fear if you really did it right). But I can’t advise you hurt people, destroy them or their parents or do anything super illegal. Of course you’re a volitional being so do what you deem appropriate, but remember if anyone asks, I didn’t tell you shit.

So hopefully this helps you out next year. Or whenever the next time your peeps try to mess with your butt.

Oh and before I got, let’s give a great big round of applause to our newest writer Amanda! (Cue applause) If you didn’t catch it you can read her first entry here!

Pull off any awesome pranks? Get pranked pretty awesomely? Did Cartmen grind your parents up into chili and feed it to you? We want to hear down below.

As always if you like please share. We share when we like you, so it’s nice to reciprocate.

Something foolish,

Corey Aaron

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