The New Texting While Driving PSA (Review) That You Have to See!

Maybe you’ve seen it, maybe you haven’t but there’s a “texting while driving” PSA that’s recently hit the airwaves that’s causing quite a stir among those who are stirred by “texting while driving” PSA’s. If you haven’t seen it already you’re in luck. I guess here’s where I should say that this is kind of graphic and might offend some but let’s be honest, you’ve seen worse shit on CSI or NCIS or whatever other prime-time network show you watch and the only offensive thing about this is the chick who apparently can’t come up with “smile” as an answer then boasts about how easy the damn crossword is:

Well at least she won’t have to worry about those crosswords anymore. Chill out, she’s a paid actress and probably didn’t die in a car accident. Although I won’t take exception to the message contained therein (texting while driving is bad, mkay) I undoubtedly do take exception to the way they go about it.

Lets start from the beginning. Dude chillin’ in the back seat eating some snacks, alright.  Got Becky in the passenger seat trying to tackle that crossword puzzle with Liz, the driver, being all condescending and happy about it. Oh look, a text, let me check it and OHGHADATRERANDWERROLLN!

First of all, who’s that happy about anything? Second, if you get a message while driving are we all that brainless that you immediately say “fuck it” to whatever you’re doing and let the world be damned? Seems like a poor strategy for anything, especially if you’re operating a 2000+ pound ground-missile amongst a world full of other absent-minded apes who too are allowed to operate their very own 2000 pound ground-missile.

I don’t know. I know shit happens, but really? Are you going to check your phone or anything without first doing the whole “let me make sure I’m aware of my surroundings” thing that we’re able to do?  When they teach you how to drive isn’t the first thing like “always know what’s going on a hundred yards in front of you” or some shit like that? Nope. Liz got text. Text most important thing. Text make happy. If that’s the kind of shit that Liz does then she was probably going to get all of her friends killed at some point anyway, so I guess at least you could never say that she was a procrastinator.

So yeah, I think that whole thing is pretty crazy. That’s not to say that this exact thing doesn’t happen (minus the crossword) but come on people. For example if you’re driving along with your buddies and receive a message but see that you’re coming up to a red light or something you’d say “oh I’m going to have to stop in a minute anyway, I can glance at it then to see if it’s anything important.” Actually that’s probably not true, since there’s no such thing as anything less than instant gratification. Hell I’m sure most of you don’t even bother with webpages that take more than right-this-fucking-second to load.

So we saw the crossword, the friendly banter, the checking of the phone at complete disregard for anyone or anything around her, the blowing the stop sign and the-wait, alright so this chick is cruising along on her merry way, blows the stop sign then gets shellacked by a fucking mack truck that had to be going no less than 55 and rolls no less than eight times. Where the fuck do you go where there’s a stop sign at a four-way intersection and the cross street just happens to have highway level speed limits? Seriously? They have stop signs at the end of roads that intersect main roads but they aren’t four way stops and you have to make a turn. Blow that stop sign and even if you make it you’re crashing into a building or something. Almost everywhere else has a light that controls the traffic and highways have ramps. So you’re telling me this bitch picked the the one stop sign that prevents people from barreling through a highway to decide to say fuck it and blow through while checking her phone? Seriously where do they make roads like that? Can anyone tell me?

And we’re transported to under an overpass. How’d that happen? Where are we?? One second you’re driving down a normal residential road and the next you’re rolling over under an overpass (I can’t write that without feeling stupid. There must be a better way) because you blew through a sign that apparently meant that you were about to crossover a highway. Oh wait, there at the back there’s a speed limit sign that reads 25 mph. If it wasn’t a highway then how fast was that fucking truck going? That car rolled over at least eight times, which is outrageous in its own right.   Rollovers don’t happen if you get hit at 30 mph and don’t happen eight times unless you’re chasing the mad-man Le Chiffre and have to jerk the wheel going at least a buck-twenty in order to avoid hitting Vesper Lynd, who’s tied-up helplessly in the middle of the road.

Unfortunately this clip leaves off the best part, the cop at the end. If you’ve seen it then there’s no way you’ve forgotten that Oscar-worthy performance but if you haven’t he just says something to the effect of “if only I had been there to give her a ticket, it might have saved her life.” Okay Mr. Self-Blame, since when are cops in the business of preventing crime? Ain’t no Minority Report happen yet. Yet. If only I had been there to give her a ticket maybe I could have saved her life. Do you mean a ticket for the texting or the stop sign she blew, because I’m pretty sure the crash was pretty immediate after the whole driving through it thing. Oh you meant the texting. How the fuck were you going to see that? How does any cop see when someones texting? Has anyone ever gotten a ticket for that? I really want to know, and also how stupid you have to be to get caught (cue karma). If only I’d been there when Lindsay Lohan was first given cocaine, it might have saved Mean Girls 2. Sorry to break it to you Mr. Guilty Pants, but chances are if you would have given her that ticket you just would have ruined her day, which is much worse than ruining her life. Wait.

I would say drive safely but the PSA does a better job of that, so if only I’d been there,

Corey Aaron

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