Improving The Office: Fart Breaks

Ever have so much gas during the day that your stomach cramps up and you clench your butt cheeks for 8 hours in your swivel chair trying desperately to keep the evil inside your sphincter? It’s not like it’s socially acceptable to rip ass behind your desk. Your coworkers will not appreciate the sound or the odor, especially the odor if you’ve consumed something particularly bad, like coffee or broccoli. You could try and quickly febreeze a silent release but how soon will it dissipate before your boss sneaks up behind you to grab that file He were looking for? Busted. By God. Perhaps you’re high up in management and scored your own private office. The minute your stomach begins to churn and you react by letting one loose, you know your door will open and someone will need to borrow your stapler. You could always try and relieve yourself in the bathroom. But then it becomes a battle with time. If you have nosy coworkers, they’ll notice your extended absence. If you have multiple stalls it’s difficult to be discrete about your gas and eventually they’ll all find out that wet dribbler came from your bottom.

In order to avoid this dilemma I’m proposing a possible solution to avoid such gastrointestinal issues. Similar to the concept of “smoking breaks”, I suggest the gassiest of employees receive “fart breaks” to ease them of any GI pain caused by the Taco Bell they ate for breakfast. The individual would be allowed to leave the building and wander outside harmlessly crop dusting the perimeter. Stink molecules would be released into the open air instead of being confined inside a building full of living, breathing people. Fart breaks stimulate occasional exercise which smoking breaks do not and they encourage healthy digestion for those with unusually more build up than others.

I imagine that productivity would increase once employees aren’t forced to focus on containing their toxic emissions and are able to spoil the fresh air outside instead. A few squirrels and birds might die in the process, but let’s face it, we have plenty of those to go around. Once their mind is free of the fear of killing their surrounding deskmates, they can continue analyzing that report that never got finished because they called in sick after eating too much dairy.

Anyone that has ever worked with the gassy person or has the misfortune of being the gassy person can appreciate this novel concept. Coming from someone who was diagnosed by the GI doctor to suffer from “excessive gas”, I know I would. Let’s rally together and make this dream a reality!

Who’s with me?!

Fart if you are!


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