How Women Prepare For Summer

As women, we have to seriously prepare for summer. It’s important to us that we appear presentable for a day at the beach, or a day at the winery, or a night out downing margaritas and having our clothes accidentally fall off. That’s definitely something we need to prepare for.

Preparation comes in many forms. Obviously beach bod is a big one. In order to work off that holiday weight we’ve been carrying for months, we need to start exercising regularly. It’s something we start discussing in March and then forget about while winter never ends and then in June it’s like whoops, gotta start working on that beach bod! No? Just me, then? It’s something that I’ve really been trying to care about for a while but since no one actually sees my “beach bod” then I don’t have to worry about it. I have yet to go to the beach and I people don’t see me naked. Both things are a damn shame. I admit, this is something that both men and women worry about. And thanks to one pieces being sexy again girls can be confident rocking a hidden midriff! Psh, I love it. I want one. Fuck you, weird tan lines. I want to not freeze when I go in the water.

We also have to worry about our hairy ass legs… and ass…in some cases. That means constant shaving. CONSTANT. Our legs need to be prickle-free, our arm pits need to look like we’re from America and our hoo-has need to resemble a manicured garden as opposed to a free growing jungle. The only positive about winter is that shaving becomes relatively unnecessary. People in long-term relationships are comfortable enough to deal with the horrible feeling of hairy legs and single women don’t care because hey, who’s going to see them? However, in summer, if you want to be comfortable in 80 degree heat then your legs will indeed be exposed. It’s a fact of life we’ve come to deal with. For those with less patience for an extra 10 minutes in the shower, there is always waxing. A mildly awkward experience where you become as close as possible to a stranger. I feel bad for my wax consultant, but at least I make her laugh.

Now onto our toesies. Manicures are an all year occurrence. Our hands are always on display. Therefore, manicures are generally necessary. But in the summer we also need to start worrying about those toes. Those hideous nobbies on the ends of your feet that you let grow to sasquatch size over the winter. Those things that are curling and yellow and possibly digging into your shoes every day. Yeah, those are called toenails. Time to pay someone to clip those bad boys for you. And then also buff the callouses off the bottoms of your feet in the most torturous of ways. If you can survive someone buffing the bottoms of your feet without imploding from laughter or kicking the person in the face, I salute you. I also salute the salon employees that have to touch those things that have been hibernating under layers of socks for months. Disgusting. Pedi’s are just another summer essential if you plan on donning sandals without terrifying little children.

Tanning is also something women worry about pre-summer. Yes, we KNOW we’re going to tan during the summer. But what we’re concerned about is just getting a base coat to avoid that first burn. We’ve been sun-deprived all throughout winter, trying really hard to rock the pale look and now is our chance to get some much needed vitamin D any way we can before our bodies get uncontrollably exposed to it. Let us tan without judgement! You’ll thank us when our skin is beautifully bronzed and our faces are cake-free. Naturally tan Toby is much prettier than make-up covered pale Toby.

Lastly, don’t forget the crazy money we drop to look cute all summer long. We need millions of different shirts because our options must be endless! There’s t-shirts, blouses, crop tops, tank tops, silky tank tops, patterned shirts, button-downs, bralettes, etc… That also goes for our shorts collection because God forbid a few pairs of jean shorts would cut it. Nope! We have jean shorts, shorts in a million colors, high rise so we look like a pin-up, silky shorts now that kind of look like skirts, athletic shorts for our bumming it days and patterned shorts so they only go with so many shirts forcing you to buy more. But wait, there’s more! We’ve also got to worry about summer skirts, maxi dresses, hi-low dresses, rompers, jumpsuits, sun dresses – another list that can go on and on. Don’t forget about bathing suits! One pieces, tankinis, bikinis, cover-ups, mix and match, only match, can’t have only one because that shit’s nasty two days in a row. It’s unfortunate bikinis are sold separately because I can’t dish out $40 for one whole bathing suit when I need a minimum of 5 to be clean this summer. And that’s JUST clothing. Shoe possibilities are just as ridiculous. I still feel as though I need to have every shoe design known to man, but I hold back in fear of bankruptcy. Men, in this department you have it relatively easy. You always have. Be thankful that you can get away with a few shorts from JCrew and a couple tops from Target. Boom. Summer wardrobe done. Boat shoes, sneakers and sandals. Done. No statement necklaces, colorful earrings, arms full of bangles or multiple scarves. Don’t get me wrong, I love how much detail goes into a woman’s outfit, I just wish some of this stuff came free.

How do you prepare for summer? Please let us know…in case I forgot an incredibly important detail that causes me to look ridiculous all summer.

Be prepaaaaaared!

Toby

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